The hard truth

Well it's happened, I can't ignore the mortgage anymore... I have been making excuses about it, saying oh well I have to pay this or that. I justify it by saying I was trying to catch up the other bills. I really was just... I don't know. Ignoring it. I don't really know why... but I got for closure papers in the mail. I have thirty days to pay up and I for see lot's of things getting turned off... I would just sit here and say I don't know what to do but I do... I need to stop bullshitting and pay the bill... Even though I should only be responsible for half of it. Even though he left me...but in the end, I am the one living here, I am the one who chose to stay... So I am the one responsible. My mom is working her ass off, and I sit here making excuses. I had to do this, I had to do that. I am tired of being stuck in limbo. I need to do what I need to do I guess. This is such bull shit. I can't really get upset about it though, It was my mess. I have to clean it up. I have to pay the mortgage, prioritize the bills and just do it. If I want this home, If I want a place to live, and be safe. I have to figure out what I really want in life, since I can't let go and be done with it. What to I want to do with it. Do I sit here and live in obscurity or is there something more... Something without him out there... I don't know. I don't know if I want to know. Anything more into the future than tomorrow, is frightening to think about. I have no meaning or direction in my life, nor any idea on how to find such a thing. I guess the first thing to start with is on Tuesday pay the mortgage, even if it drains the whole account. Someone else will have to buy food and that sort of thing, I can't keep caring for everyone. I have to care for myself, my mom, my dogs and my house. I am not really prepared, I don't think I even know how to be prepared for anything anymore. First things first, one step at a time. Pay the mortgage. then once that it caught up and done, work on one thing at a time. and make a list of priorities. No more juggling the money and bills, no more do this now and do this later. Actions speak louder than words, I guess I need to prove to myself that I can do it, and then just let everyone else see it as I go along. I hate being in this position but if this is what God has for me, then I guess I have to find a way to deal...

Backsliding

I'm back sliding, I can feel it. Between the inner withering loneliness, and the insurmountable self loathing. Like I am stuck in a hamster wheel and no matter how fast I go, it doesn't move. Life as I know it is still, stagnant. I am a desolate island and the river of life parts around me, moving swiftly, fervently, reaching up to touch me and then coursing away. Reality has me motionless, like prey who has locked eyes with its predator. I understand what has happened, I "Think" I have accepted it, and yet fear and the lack of desire, passion and pure emotion stop me from being able to fit in again. To touch the world for real instead of simply being in it. It hurts too much to feel, so my mind has blocked off that part of me that processes it. This longing, to touch something that was once so bright and full of life. So loving and caring and devoted, but fearing the sting of acidity, of rejection once again. I am doomed. I have lost the will to fight. I simply want peace. The raging storm around me is full of negativity, of laziness, of secrets, lies, and two faced people. I know love, I know of love, and yet it is hidden. She is gone, hopped the crazy train to know where, and she ain't never coming back.

Looking for a Needle

I've lost the needle to sew up my broken heart.
There is no super glue to piece together what's been torn apart.
The dark that lives inside my soul
The depth of that deep black hole.
I have nothing left to give, I've given it all away.
I tried every thing just to make you stay.
I'll walk this road alone, cuts and scrapes upon my feet.
Dirty disapproving looks from observers on the street.
breathing in this living hell, burning in this real life fire.
The pain and sadness smothering any desire.
Desire for life, and love.
Even trust in those above.
All that was me, all that made me happy, bubbly and free.
All gone, at that is left of me is a silent dead sea.
If I find the needle, the single pointed needle.
to pierce my heart and release this evil.
At least if I bleed it out.
With nothing left their will be no more doubt.
of what I am and who I was, and who I could be.
Nothing left but to wait it out and see.

Im gone

Sometimes, I just want to fade away. Lock all my doors and windows to my room, black out all the light, turn off all electrical devices bury under mounds of blankets and pillows and pray for the end of the world. Just wait for everyone to stop needing me, loving me. Just end the pain and failure of this life and try to start over in the next. I have so many questions of my faith, of myself, of how my life has been so far. I want to understand what happened in his head and mine and how we ended up where we are now. Suffering, Alone, hurting, aching, dying inside and sometimes out. I don't know how to be happy myself so I try to make other people happy and my therapist says that is wrong, that I tried so hard to make chris happy it ended up pushing him away and i never learned how to be happy myself. I crave contact. A hug, a kiss, holding his hand. Waking up to him and falling asleep with him. I thought I was being a good wife, a food friend and lover, but now I just don't know. I worry so much about him, being out there alone, shunning what family he has left, burning bridges with mine who love him. How can he care for himself. I know I am not his mother, but I am his mate. I thought I knew all about him. I guess I didn't know him and I didn't know myself either. Most days I keep myself so busy I don't have time to think and question, or I space out so I still don't have to do it. I don't know what is true anymore, so many questions, no confidence, no stability, no roots. Im adrift lost and spinning in the dark. flashes of light and then im gone. I don't know who I am now, I don't know who I was really, and I have no idea what life holds for me now. I just want to shut out the world and fade away in my grief.

feeling fucked.

I hate feeling like I don't have anyone to really talk to. Like I don't have anyone to snuggle with, and touch and hug. To laugh with and love with. I am so mad at him, he acts like he had to do this for himself. I just don't understand. I told him the other day that I am still willing to work it out some how but he shook his head and was like stop. I don't understand how he throws away 15 years of love, companionship and friendship. I am watching harley and adam snuggle on the couch to make each other feel better and their relationship is so  i don't even know how to describe it, but they make it work its dysfunctional but somehow it works. I wish he and I could make it work. I hate feeling so alone and cut off. I hate it. I am surrounded by family that I love and that love me. but I can't cuddle and snuggle with them, it would be so inappropriate. or at least that is how I feel. I miss my Chris. We would lay here and snuggle, and cuddle and kiss. I miss the intimacy. I miss it so much, and I keep wishing I could go back. I could fix things with me before he started giving up. I still feel like its ultimatly my fault. I know I can't take credit for his choices, but If I hadn't started being so insecure, questioning, blaming him. If I hadn't lost faith and trust in him to start with. None of this would have ever happened, he would still be here with me, we would still be happy together and our life would still be the way we wanted to go. I just don't understand him and his thinking anymore. He keeps telling me that he didn't leave me for her. If that is true and its just convenience then why? He says he needed space, he needed to breathe, I was suffocating him. I know I was needy and clingy, I know that I tried to be with him too much and he didn't get to do his own thing, but that is what I have learned recently, I wish he would have stuck around to see that I did see that and I do understand. Ugh my mind is so foggy, I've been so sick, I haven't taken any meds today and my head is starting to come unravelled. I hate watching them snuggle and thinking about what I have lost. I guess Im just fucked in the head, heart and soul too. FML

Sadness Written

So many memories running through my mind lately. It's not that I don't want to remember, just not right now while the pain is so fresh, hot and seared. I guess I am done trying to figure out what happened, I am just trying to get through each day with as much happiness and calmness as I can manage. I'm all about feeling proud of myself and accomplished, but all that I do still doesn't take away the pain, the emptiness. So many country song's rolling through my head all the time, and I enjoy them but some time's on days like today, they bring up so much happiness, and it just hurts. Im so angry at him for leaving, angry at me, I don't know. I miss the man I married. My best friend, I feel like half of me is gone and there is no hope of ever getting it back so I try to fill the hole with other people, and interest's but nothing fits as well as him. Nothing completes me as wholly as he did. I can list all the things I miss, but that will just make me sadder b/c I miss them. I just wanted to write that, I miss him, and I love him so very much. but I am tired of crying, tired of feeling worthless and alone and empty. Maybe one day I will be OK, but for now living for others is still living. Maybe one day I can live for me again. Who knows.

Moral Frailties

Am I naive? I whole heartedly believed in true love, in love is all you need, love forever, complete and total surrender to the one you love. and when you marry that person you enter a bond of love compassion caring understanding compromise respect and adoration for eternity. Marriage isn't something a piece of paper can say isn't true, you can't cut the bonds like a string. I'm at a lost, I feel ashamed and worthless that my marriage is falling apart that the one I love, my mate companion and best friend felt trapped and suffocated. So he left to save him self so he says. And now what am I supposed to do, I am left with this house, wedding rings, hand fasting cloth and the feelings of inadequacy? Maybe I am too old fashioned and need to get with the times, marriage is a fad, its something you can turn on and off... No I don't want to believe that, I can't. It simply goes against who I am as a person. Who I am to myself. I truly feel I can never marry again, nor have another deep meaningful relationship because I will feel forever bound to him. That isn't his fault, those are just my feelings on commitment and marriage. I gave him everything willingly it's not something you can simply take back after fifteen years of a committed devoted relationship. I keep wondering what happened and how did it happen so fast, I keep trying to figure it out, I know it's not good for me to do that, but I can't help it, I am trying to shake these feelings of failure, of worthlessness. I mean my family has more divorces o itself than any family should have, so obviously no one is faulting me, or thinking its wrong...but me. I wanted a simple wedding and a simple white gold wedding band, because I felt simplicity was best to express our feelings. In the old days divorce was frowned upon, and you either lived miserably and while I don't necessarily agree with that, or you fixed what was wrong and worked together to make it better. I am just at a loss, I feel like he gave up, he didn't even try. I feel like the lady who will forever be alone, standing forlornly on the cliff above the seething waters, forever awaiting her true love.... I know your saying god she is so dramatic but this is serious! Marriage is a lifelong contract, you shouldn't be able to break it without much struggle, and effort to make it work and fix it. -sighs- But the views of one doesn't overwhelm the views and wants of many. The human race will get what it wants, when it wants, how it wants and woe to the person who calls moral frailties. 

empty

The worst is being alone, its wanting someone to cuddle and hug and feel completely safe with who you don't have to worry about anything, you can just relax and breathe and take in their scent and the sense of being together. Being alone with myself is, not a pleasant experience, I don't know how to be self reliant. I dont know the value and measure of my own strength. I just don't know. Anything anymore. All I know is I miss him, I miss my friend. My laughing partner, my snuggle bear, my heater and bad dream soother, my gaming buddy, my chief explorer, my mate, my love, my dragon. I miss him and everything he brought into my life. my soul, my heart. I miss the safety the security the love and laughter. I just... Im alone, alone in my head, heart and soul. even goddess is having trouble reaching me it seems, Im in a house full of loving family and I still feel lost abandoned and cut off from all things good and happy. I keep wishing this is a bad dream, i keep wanting to have everything be magically fixed but i know it won't be, i will drift in this shell existing only to take up space in the hearts around me that love me most. I am empty.

4 am

I guess I can't sing that 4 oclock in the morning song anymore heh, oh well. Shit happens doesn't it, Shit happens and when it does, not only does it happen but your covered, smothered, and royally fucked by said Shit, and when its over sometimes all you see is shit shit and more shit, but if you can wipe your eyes, hold your breath and look out from underneath all the shit, theres a few things left worth living for. Even if the things worth dying for WAY and i mean WAY outnumber the things worth living for, its those things that may be small that I cling too. Angels cuddles in the morning, Pepper zoe and sweetie happy good morning bounces, Eva kisses and giggles, tally conversations, riding with mom, hanging out at the house with harley, adam, john and donny, crafting with jeanene and watching loki be a crazy kid. feeling happy's unconditional love, counting on eddie for a quick scare and gwen for some down to earth advice, dad random funny txt messages, and words of encouragement and wisdom from gretchen... remembering tim knocking about in the garage and canning tomatoes with grammi, and poofy's rants about stupid people and coffee. and jasons crazy drink mixes, talking on the phone till the sun is almost up and wondering why in the hell we can't sleep. I may be doomed to pain forever and ever, but I am a wolf, I have a wonderful pack and even tho I want to just lay down and die, to give up and leave for the next life, they hold me down and say "no try one more time" funny I just realized you guys are my hope. hahaha Rediculousness at 4 oclock in the morning and its starting to get light, im not right where i want to be, but i been loosing track of time and im not sure what i wish anymore, but here is hoping to a good night....You know who you are, and I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. No amount of Shit could change that. -laughs crazily and wonders how much longer till pass out time.-

done

broken and used,
twisted and bruised
the only thing left in life is pain
devoured by blame
jacked up and tore up
emotionally drained
feeling deranged.
gone and dead inside
waiting to be drowned by the tide
done with this life
done with this strife
done.

Crying Forever

Its 2 am and Im still awake
feeling for the billionth time my heart break
lost in a shell of my own sadness.
feeling the fear of my own madness.
Im dead and cold, burning in my self made hell
Looking up at the ledge from which I fell.
It rains regret, remorse and hate.
Im sorry comes too late.
Forget the life that was, forget the life that would have been.
Im weighted down by both our sin.
a walking dead in real life
crying forever, Im still your wife.

The Rabbit.

I am bothered by the way you move,
how you hold yourself and conduct yourself.
I am bothered by the flip of your hair
and the way you walk with your gimp limp.
I am bothered by the way your eyes wander,
and how you portray yourself a victim.
I am bothered by your self righteous self act.
and how you have the ability to make yourself the damsel in distress.
You should be bothered by me.
I am the wolf in the night.
My howl is the precursor to your torment.
My canine's will be what you see in the dark.
You should have known better than mess with a Wolf.
You present yourself as prey.
You twist and panic in my presence.
Not a tiger, more like a rabbit.
Barely fit as prey. I ignored you.
but even one small rabbit can destroy a garden.
I know you now, I see and smell you.
I will not let you get away. I will sink my teeth into your flesh.
and leave your carcass for the carrion birds.

Blood on my hands.

I hate you, but I hate me more.
I loath and despise you.
I would love to watch you suffer, watch you squirm and hurt.
I would love to be the cause of that hurt, that devastation.
I would love to destroy your life and heart like you have mine.
But everyone tells me I am better than you.
That you will get what is coming to you.
That it will return to you three fold.
That doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse.
That I am better than you and still you took what was mine.
That is where the self hating comes in. I wasn't doing what I should
I left open a hole, I left a weak spot in my life and love.
And you were there, you with your wicked ways, your untruths, your fakery.
You were there to listen, to twist words, actions, and moments.
To boost the ego and self esteem. To tear me down in his eyes.
If given the opportunity, gladly will I murder you.
Gladly will I torture your son before your eyes, and take away the life you gave him.
Gladly will I carve out your heart, and when I am done, I will start on the other.
I would murder, all those whom contributed to my hurt and devastation. I will do it slowly, enjoying every moment, savoring the fear and hate in your eyes.
the ecstasy of watching you as I do to you what you did to me.
Will it consume me, definitely.
Will it be worth it, completely.
Will I loose myself, assuredly.
But I will be vindicated, set free from the lies and pain.
I will be broken, but whole all at once.
So I will bide my time, I will complete my plans.
And when all is ready, I will bath in your blood on my hands.

Great Love

I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you. Nothing you could ever do will ever diminish the love and respect I feel for you. It is because I AM a creature bourne out of Love. I do not seek out violence, negativity or strife. Some perceive this as a weakness, I have decided that it is not. What IS  weakness is not asserting myself, not making MY wishes known. It's doing for everyone else BEFORE i do for myself. Now the hard part is finding balance. Balance within, Balance without. Just b/c I am searching and seeking and acting/reacting different doesn't mean I am not me, doesn't mean that I am not made of Love. Doesn't mean I don't still have great Love to offer. It doesn't mean I have to act differently to everyone, doesn't mean I cannot still be me. This is the internal struggle I have right now. Trying to assert myself without feeling like a bitch, trying to make my wants and wishes and desires known without infringing on someone elses rights to have theirs made known. It is a difficult thing, to find the balance. It is even more difficult when the Love that you have poured out, is only trickling back in. When you feel alone and cut off and emotionally starved. When the greatest love of your life has fled from you, and cut everything off from you and what was once a shinning beacon of love and life and home and light is now dark and cold and empty. I am trying to fully realize that just because this has happened to me, just because there are things I want to change about myself, it doesn't mean I still cannot be me. Who I feel like I am, was or meant to be on the inside. That is who I am searching for, but it still doesn't make the sense of loss any easier. I do love him, so very much. I would take him back even if it meant loosing again people who truly care for me. But the longer and longer we are apart I am realizing, that is not something he is willing or wanting to do. Perhaps I have to just let it all go and love me, take all the love I am pouring out and just dump it into myself. Maybe then I can feel better about me.

hug me

I just want a hug, and for some one to honestly truthfully help me believe its all going to be ok. Im tired of lies, Im tired of smiling when im dying. I just want someone to hold me, rock me, and help me know its going to be ok.

Im Still

Im living, Im breathing, Im smiling.
Im talking to people and laughing.
Im going out and doing only what I want.
Im wearing makeup and being choosey on my clothes.
Im keeping my house clean, and being ocd on how I want things to be organized.
Im keeping my dogs clean and training them
Im caring for myself and my car.
Im watching what I want on TV
Im googling what I want instead of always asking.
Im killing spiders, Im  fixing sinks.
Im doing, Im living, Im breathing...
But Im still hurting.
Still missing you.
Still blaming me for not seeing.
Still angry.
Still in Love.
Still waiting.
Still Hoping
Praying
Loving.
You.

Love Them Still.

Trust. its a funny thing. Trust and Love I always thought went hand in hand. I always gave it willingly to people who I counted as friends, to people I thought mattered. Even if they didn't matter to me, they may have mattered to someone who DID matter to me. I am so tired of being hurt by people I consider are friends or family. So tired of taking the back seat to everyone elses needs. I have so much faith in people, in humanity in general. I thought I always believed that people had good and bad inside them. I believed in people even when everyone around them didn't. I just feel like everyone has let  me down my whole life. I was so worried and concerned for letting other people down myself, I never realized how they were using me, taking me for granted.  Knowing I would drop everything if I thought someone I loved and trusted needed me. The one person I thought I could always trust, turns out I couldn't. I am finding it hard to trust anyone now. As I sit and think about it, when I started going out with him way back when all my friends deserted me b/c they didn't like him and didn't want to hang out with him so I didn't bother to hang out with them. Then Jenni ditched me for her new friends in Ky and almost got me kicked off base, came home to my family and everyone packed up and left. My sister's are hardly ever around and I felt so abandoned by my family when we started the move, I was scared and depressed, I just wanted normality. He wouldn't give me that, he kept wanting to change things about him and his life and that was fine, but he couldn't see what I needed at that moment, he couldn't see that I just needed his presence until I felt secure in the new place. Till i felt like i could breath. Everything was going great until she came into the picture, until he kept wanting to have friends outside the video games, and then she was like poison in his ear, telling him how her fiance was such a horrible person, such a douche bag and oh did she play her part well. the damsel in distress, the single mother working her way to pay and care for her family. the caring friend who would listen to him when he felt like no one listened to him at his own home, and little by little I got more and more lost in the dark and he pulled further and further away until there was nothing left of me but sadness, despair, and darkness and nothing left of him but anger, arrogance and rage. 

Funny thing was at first she had me fooled too. I wanted to like her, to be nice to her and help her. It's in my nature. He wanted to be her friend, so I did too. But something in me was saying no, don't, but I didn't listen. I drowned the voice in im just being jealous. I fought and fought with myself. I fight still, I tried to be her friend, i tried to trust her. But she used that against me entirely. foolishly I let her. so foolish. I was about to type he isn't the man i fell in love with now, but that isn't true. I always knew he had this sort of side to him. but i also knew he would never turn that side against me. I always believed that I was the only one who could stand in his fire and not get burned. That I could quench his rage and soothe his soul. How naive. So Naive. i thought love was forever, friendship was forever, i thought our marriage would last through anything. I thought that as long as you had love, you could do anything, be anything, conquer anything. life has a horrible way of making you shed your last spec of innocence. Im struggling feeling like all humans are monsters, horrible horrible monsters using and abusing each other, and wanting to NOT believe that. Im struggling to find good in the world again. But there is so much that isn't good. So much that is mean and ugly. Where is the good and beauty. Im struggling with the person i thought i was, the person i think i should be and the person that i am right at this moment. i hate that i get overwhelmed easy, i hate that i almost burst into tears for almost no reason, i hate remembering to feed myself, or remembering that im driving and sometimes i forget how i even got somewhere, i hate waking up feeling like each day is a fight, a struggle.

There is so much darkness, hurt and pain. So many demons plaguing me. I wake up and think, wow i don't even know what I wake up and think. Im so tired, so tired. Tired of the negativity, tired of the fighting, of fending off everyone's rage and anger, their resentment. I am tired of fending him off as well. Each meeting is harder and harder, he is so .. i don't even know how to describe it, all i know is it leaves me sad, drained and shaking.  I feel like the world and everyone around me is moving at light speed and here I am stuck, barely moving. I don't know what I want anymore, i don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I believe in anymore. Each day I think I figure something out, something else comes along and shatters it. Each time I get a bit of the puzzle picked up and put together, a tornado comes and scatters them all over again. The only thing that is permanent constant in my life, is my Angel. She keeps me focused, she loves on me and follows me around and checks on me and reminds me to go to bed. She reminds me that there is some light and laughter out there, you just have to look really really REALLY hard to see it sometimes.

A lot of times, i sit here and wonder. What would happen if I stopped running interference with everyone and everything. If I just slapped everyone's true thoughts and feelings out for everyone to see and said here you deal with it. and walk away. Take myself out of the equasion completely and let them sort it out on their own. Lay my own thoughts and feelings out on the table with no fear or remorse and say this is how it is. Like it or not, oh the people who would hate me and each other. the mess it would make. would i feel better in the end i have no clue. would it be worth it i have no idea. but i get so tired of fighting of being the common sense one, of being level headed. I get tired of explaining myself, and saying how sorry I am. so people say well stop, but they don't know its not that easy. When your a creature of habit and the habits have been ingrained since you were eight. he says it could always be worse, well yes it could, but you have the power to make it better. if you don't TRY then you won't. my thoughts are starting to deteriorate. So much going on in my head but anyway

Back to Trust and Love, I am finding that there are many people in my life that i love, but do not trust anymore. Which makes it harder for me to tell them of my love, and to demonstrate my love for them. The fear of being hurt and used and taken for granted for the rest of my life is too great. Fear has me caught in its trap over more things than just this one thing, Fear is a hard cruel master, and its harder and harder to try and fight it. Sometimes I just want to give in, let go and let the goddess sort it all out in my next life. but there are too many people, too too many people who do love me even if they use me. too many people who even in my next life i wouldn't be able to go on knowing how badly i hurt them by giving up. So i won't die, i dont lay down and give up. i will walk on, walk on with a limp, walk on as half a person with half a soul and half a heart. Goddess steer any away from me who would love me b/c i cannot love them back or trust them back as they would deserve. I am broken, used and damaged. I am unwanted. My dragon has left and I am realizing slowly that he isn't coming back, but Goddess help me I can't love him any less. I can't still feel like I need him any less, like I want him in my life any less. Trust is an easy thing to give out, even easier to break but the hardest to get back once it has been broken. and love well, i guess once you love someone you will always love someone no matter what they do to you in the end you will love them still.

Still

I care, I have always cared. I always believed in you. I thought you were so amazing and wonderful. So spirited and full of strength. You took charge of things, you were confident and smart and amazingly funny. You were quirky and made me laugh, made me feel fun. Feel like together we could go anywhere and do anything. I defended you, protected you. Believed that you were better, more than what people saw. I trusted you completely. I loved you, I love you still...but I am broken. I am lost, and hurt and angry. You took all I gave you and just tossed it away. I helped make you and you left me......

The Wolf Cub.

you gave me wings
you helped my fly
together we soared so high
but the storm was rough
things got tough
I tried to cope,
I tried to have hope.
the lightening struck
and then I fell
I fell and you weren't there
I fell and you flew away
you screached and clawed at the sky
flying oh so high
and I fell down down down
lower than the ground.
My wings were destroyed
my fur was singed
I guess a wolf was never meant to fly
she was never mean to soar the sky
she was never meant to be his
he was never meant to be hers.
who could tame a dragon.
who could ask him to be shackled to the ground.
she was a fool.
a fool in love.
a fool in love still.
She limps along, her wings and heart aching.
her paws torn and cracked and bleeding
her coat soaked and matted.
she doesn't know of the dragon
he hides his mind from her
hides his thoughts and emotions from her
hides his new life from her.
she barely sees him in the distance.
A huge shadow on the ground.
but she can never run fast or far enough to catch up.
thats why he gave her wings in the first place.
but now she has to remember she isn't a dragon
could never be a dragon.
She is only a wolf.
A sad lonely little Wolf Cub.

Sad Realization

My mom went to work this afternoon so she isn't here tonight, I have noticed with her not being here I have to work much harder at not breaking down. I have to keep doing something to occupy my attention so my mind doesn't think about all the hurtful things it really wants to think about. I hesitate writing anything down anymore b/c if I write it, that makes it more real...less able to be fixed in my mind for some reason. The tremors and shakes have been really bad today and I have eaten and taken my meds like I am supposed too. I didn't realize how much energy mom was feeding me and how she was bubbling me. No wonder why she is always so tired lately. I am having a hard time comming to terms with the person I am now and grieving for the person that I was. I feel like in a way I really have died. The person I was with all her dreams and wants and hopes and wishes and ambitions...she died when her dragon flew the den. Now I am left to deal with this...half person... This person who is afraid of human contact b/c they might ask how she is and she might tell them the truth. Of being in crowds, of darkness, of the thunder and rain of being alone.  This new person isn't strong and happy go lucky. She isn't sure and confident and knows what she wants from life. This new person is lost, and lonely and desperately trying to remember who she is. Or if she can't remember if there is absolutely no salvaging the old person, making a new person all together. She has no idea how to do that. And while she is trying to figure that out she is afraid people are going to get tired of waiting and leave her. Because in the end that is what she is really truly afraid of. I mean her soul mate left her, her best friend and one true love of a thousand life times, what is to stop the others from leaving? What is to stop them from tossing her aside as a failure, as a selfish failure... She doesn't know and that, that is what I have realized, I am scared and I feel alone. I don't know what to do with myself and my life now.. Im cast off and adrift and I feel like utter total complete fail. I can't even function on a daily basis without my mom or someone who I can emotionally depend on. I don't know how to depend on myself. I don't have that skill set anymore. I find myself avoiding friends and family because I don't want them to find out that I have fallen off the wagon and even my dragon feels like I am a lost cause. I don't want to have to hear them say how sorry they are and look at me with pity in their eyes. Actually that isn't all the way true, I am afraid to tell them what is going on really because I have always been the sensible responsible one that had the life and relationship that was going to go all the way, and it hasn't. I don't want them to gloat and ugh. Through it all, I miss the company, the confidant. My partner and best friend who I talked to all the time and told everything too. I miss that more than anything else. I guess second in that would be the touches. The hugs and kisses and hand holding. The snuggling on the couch and before bed, the waking up at night and feeling him near and hearing his breathing and knowing everything was going to be all right. I let him down, I let me down, I let us down but worst of all, I let our children down. They will never know life now. It's hard not to keep going back and thinking if I had done this or didn't do that. I wish I could just know the truth to it all and see and understand. If I could do that and he could too, I know we could salvage it and make it better...but like everyone keeps telling me. Both of us have to want that. In the end I guess I am glad I didn't kill myself. If only because is spared my family that pain but I wonder what sort of life I will have now that I am not a complete person. Now that anyone whoever loves me is doomed for heartache b/c I could never love them back. I feel like I have lost my love of life in general when I lost the love of my life....

Confusion

I am having trouble distinguishing things in my head and reality. I have always had that problem, my imagination is too vivid, but now I see and hear things that aren't really there. I read too much into things, small things, large things even non existent things. Maybe that is what irritated him so much and when I began having such intense anxiety he just couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes I don't even intend to create things in my head, sometimes they come all on their own. So I can't feel my true feelings, I can't get things sorted in my head out of my head. Its all so jumbled up. I can't even tell what is real about me. How I feel about things, I go back and forth from being meek and mild little mouse to raging wolf destroying things in my head b/c apparently the mouse is stronger than the wolf. Completely rediculous... ugh..

all gone

we are still together in my heart and in my mind.
i feel like it is you who has just cut cleanly all your emotions
and ties from me. Like your trying to get away as unhurt as possible
but dont you know you dont have to leave, dont you know its good here with me
and we can change and change together to make it better.
dont you know how its killing me, how im dying more and more each moment your not with me
how i feel your wings withdrawn from around me
how i feel your fire that fueled me dying out
how i feel the toughness of your scales receding from my arms.
i feel like i am running after you,i can't quite catch up.
your flying so very high and my paws are flying across the ground as fast as they can go
im angry and growling but tears roll down my muzzle too
and no matter how i try to convince you, no matter how much love and devotion i have to you and for you
you do not stop, you do not land. you fly far and fast until not even your shadow is visible.
so i sit, and i howl and my heart is broken and burned
my soul is ripped asunder and i am a mere husk of who i was
i smile and laugh, i eat and dress and clothe myself
I do what is expected and say and do the right things
i am mechanical. just so people will leave me alone in my grief
in my pain and anguish and suffering.
all of my beliefs are stripped away, all the goodness that was inside of me
all the innocents and naivety its all gone. sucked away and replaced with fear and doubt and loathing and hostility and hate.
hate for people in general, specific people anger.. complete self loathing...we are all dead. we are just waiting to realize that we are....

My Grave

So tired, of everything. if you look for me and do not find me, i have gone. gone to weep and dream beside my grave. for in this life i have been a slave. a slave to love and passion, to life itself, living for the sake of living, wanting just to want something, anything that made me happy and accomplished. but now my love and dreams are gone, hopes and wants and life dashed away cauterized from me. i am left burned and forgotten, uncared for, unwanted, denied the only thing i ever truly wanted from life. My best friend, lover and soul/sole mate. pain and hurt and emotional starvation have made me weak, tired, exhausted, so if you look for me and do not find me, I have gone, gone to weep beside my grave.

Madness

one night
where there is no light
when earth is asleep
and the sky weeps
my heart will no longer beat
my chest will no longer rise and fall with breath
I will have slipped into death
death where pain is nothing
death where there is no suffering
when i am gone dont cry for me
when i am gone i will be free.
free from hurt
free from sadness
free from this madness
madness called love.

Empty

my heart burns for you
my soul yearns for you
the pain swirling inside me
its slowly killing me
each day without you is torture
each moment gets harder and harder to breath in
i think of the things i have done and im ashamed
i think of the hurt i have done and i know i am to blame
the years we spent together were the best of my life
each laugh, each tear every minute meant something to me
the sadness inside me is so deep
the chasm left by your absence is so dark
the heartache is physical pain
your smile was my light
your blue eyes were my universe
your touch was my sun
and your kiss was what breathed life into me each day
I am lost, abandoned...alone.
what is left of my pack calls to me,
i haven't the heart to tell them that i am empty
that i have nothing left to give
that i am hallow.
I walk alone, half truths and half lies
creating shadows on my path
I am a tornado.
All I know is pain, loss...grief.
Every smile makes me think of you,
every song, even a breeze makes me think of you.
Its like fire in my veins not being able to talk to you
feeling the electric sting of your refusal, your unwant.
am i broken, am i unworthy, what is wrong with me that made you leave
what if anything does she have to offer that i cannot, have not given you...
Why dont you reach out and make the effort to stand with me,
to fight for me, for you, for us...
I am clawing to get to you and with each step I take
you fly further away...
I gave you everything, I gave it willingly
For I love you. No pain is too great
to feel your love...
but how can you be so cool, so seemingly unfeeling.
so turned off from me...
there is very little of me left..
I kept nothing for myself...
and now. I dont know how to be how to live how to survive.
the pack keeps me breathing...
but I want you..
I want you in my life,
I want to be your moon for you are my sun
I want to be your breath for you are mine
I want to be what I always thought I was...your Luv.