feeling fucked.

I hate feeling like I don't have anyone to really talk to. Like I don't have anyone to snuggle with, and touch and hug. To laugh with and love with. I am so mad at him, he acts like he had to do this for himself. I just don't understand. I told him the other day that I am still willing to work it out some how but he shook his head and was like stop. I don't understand how he throws away 15 years of love, companionship and friendship. I am watching harley and adam snuggle on the couch to make each other feel better and their relationship is so  i don't even know how to describe it, but they make it work its dysfunctional but somehow it works. I wish he and I could make it work. I hate feeling so alone and cut off. I hate it. I am surrounded by family that I love and that love me. but I can't cuddle and snuggle with them, it would be so inappropriate. or at least that is how I feel. I miss my Chris. We would lay here and snuggle, and cuddle and kiss. I miss the intimacy. I miss it so much, and I keep wishing I could go back. I could fix things with me before he started giving up. I still feel like its ultimatly my fault. I know I can't take credit for his choices, but If I hadn't started being so insecure, questioning, blaming him. If I hadn't lost faith and trust in him to start with. None of this would have ever happened, he would still be here with me, we would still be happy together and our life would still be the way we wanted to go. I just don't understand him and his thinking anymore. He keeps telling me that he didn't leave me for her. If that is true and its just convenience then why? He says he needed space, he needed to breathe, I was suffocating him. I know I was needy and clingy, I know that I tried to be with him too much and he didn't get to do his own thing, but that is what I have learned recently, I wish he would have stuck around to see that I did see that and I do understand. Ugh my mind is so foggy, I've been so sick, I haven't taken any meds today and my head is starting to come unravelled. I hate watching them snuggle and thinking about what I have lost. I guess Im just fucked in the head, heart and soul too. FML