Im gone

Sometimes, I just want to fade away. Lock all my doors and windows to my room, black out all the light, turn off all electrical devices bury under mounds of blankets and pillows and pray for the end of the world. Just wait for everyone to stop needing me, loving me. Just end the pain and failure of this life and try to start over in the next. I have so many questions of my faith, of myself, of how my life has been so far. I want to understand what happened in his head and mine and how we ended up where we are now. Suffering, Alone, hurting, aching, dying inside and sometimes out. I don't know how to be happy myself so I try to make other people happy and my therapist says that is wrong, that I tried so hard to make chris happy it ended up pushing him away and i never learned how to be happy myself. I crave contact. A hug, a kiss, holding his hand. Waking up to him and falling asleep with him. I thought I was being a good wife, a food friend and lover, but now I just don't know. I worry so much about him, being out there alone, shunning what family he has left, burning bridges with mine who love him. How can he care for himself. I know I am not his mother, but I am his mate. I thought I knew all about him. I guess I didn't know him and I didn't know myself either. Most days I keep myself so busy I don't have time to think and question, or I space out so I still don't have to do it. I don't know what is true anymore, so many questions, no confidence, no stability, no roots. Im adrift lost and spinning in the dark. flashes of light and then im gone. I don't know who I am now, I don't know who I was really, and I have no idea what life holds for me now. I just want to shut out the world and fade away in my grief.