Trust. its a funny thing. Trust and Love I always thought went hand in hand. I always gave it willingly to people who I counted as friends, to people I thought mattered. Even if they didn't matter to me, they may have mattered to someone who DID matter to me. I am so tired of being hurt by people I consider are friends or family. So tired of taking the back seat to everyone elses needs. I have so much faith in people, in humanity in general. I thought I always believed that people had good and bad inside them. I believed in people even when everyone around them didn't. I just feel like everyone has let me down my whole life. I was so worried and concerned for letting other people down myself, I never realized how they were using me, taking me for granted. Knowing I would drop everything if I thought someone I loved and trusted needed me. The one person I thought I could always trust, turns out I couldn't. I am finding it hard to trust anyone now. As I sit and think about it, when I started going out with him way back when all my friends deserted me b/c they didn't like him and didn't want to hang out with him so I didn't bother to hang out with them. Then Jenni ditched me for her new friends in Ky and almost got me kicked off base, came home to my family and everyone packed up and left. My sister's are hardly ever around and I felt so abandoned by my family when we started the move, I was scared and depressed, I just wanted normality. He wouldn't give me that, he kept wanting to change things about him and his life and that was fine, but he couldn't see what I needed at that moment, he couldn't see that I just needed his presence until I felt secure in the new place. Till i felt like i could breath. Everything was going great until she came into the picture, until he kept wanting to have friends outside the video games, and then she was like poison in his ear, telling him how her fiance was such a horrible person, such a douche bag and oh did she play her part well. the damsel in distress, the single mother working her way to pay and care for her family. the caring friend who would listen to him when he felt like no one listened to him at his own home, and little by little I got more and more lost in the dark and he pulled further and further away until there was nothing left of me but sadness, despair, and darkness and nothing left of him but anger, arrogance and rage.
Funny thing was at first she had me fooled too. I wanted to like her, to be nice to her and help her. It's in my nature. He wanted to be her friend, so I did too. But something in me was saying no, don't, but I didn't listen. I drowned the voice in im just being jealous. I fought and fought with myself. I fight still, I tried to be her friend, i tried to trust her. But she used that against me entirely. foolishly I let her. so foolish. I was about to type he isn't the man i fell in love with now, but that isn't true. I always knew he had this sort of side to him. but i also knew he would never turn that side against me. I always believed that I was the only one who could stand in his fire and not get burned. That I could quench his rage and soothe his soul. How naive. So Naive. i thought love was forever, friendship was forever, i thought our marriage would last through anything. I thought that as long as you had love, you could do anything, be anything, conquer anything. life has a horrible way of making you shed your last spec of innocence. Im struggling feeling like all humans are monsters, horrible horrible monsters using and abusing each other, and wanting to NOT believe that. Im struggling to find good in the world again. But there is so much that isn't good. So much that is mean and ugly. Where is the good and beauty. Im struggling with the person i thought i was, the person i think i should be and the person that i am right at this moment. i hate that i get overwhelmed easy, i hate that i almost burst into tears for almost no reason, i hate remembering to feed myself, or remembering that im driving and sometimes i forget how i even got somewhere, i hate waking up feeling like each day is a fight, a struggle.
There is so much darkness, hurt and pain. So many demons plaguing me. I wake up and think, wow i don't even know what I wake up and think. Im so tired, so tired. Tired of the negativity, tired of the fighting, of fending off everyone's rage and anger, their resentment. I am tired of fending him off as well. Each meeting is harder and harder, he is so .. i don't even know how to describe it, all i know is it leaves me sad, drained and shaking. I feel like the world and everyone around me is moving at light speed and here I am stuck, barely moving. I don't know what I want anymore, i don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I believe in anymore. Each day I think I figure something out, something else comes along and shatters it. Each time I get a bit of the puzzle picked up and put together, a tornado comes and scatters them all over again. The only thing that is permanent constant in my life, is my Angel. She keeps me focused, she loves on me and follows me around and checks on me and reminds me to go to bed. She reminds me that there is some light and laughter out there, you just have to look really really REALLY hard to see it sometimes.
A lot of times, i sit here and wonder. What would happen if I stopped running interference with everyone and everything. If I just slapped everyone's true thoughts and feelings out for everyone to see and said here you deal with it. and walk away. Take myself out of the equasion completely and let them sort it out on their own. Lay my own thoughts and feelings out on the table with no fear or remorse and say this is how it is. Like it or not, oh the people who would hate me and each other. the mess it would make. would i feel better in the end i have no clue. would it be worth it i have no idea. but i get so tired of fighting of being the common sense one, of being level headed. I get tired of explaining myself, and saying how sorry I am. so people say well stop, but they don't know its not that easy. When your a creature of habit and the habits have been ingrained since you were eight. he says it could always be worse, well yes it could, but you have the power to make it better. if you don't TRY then you won't. my thoughts are starting to deteriorate. So much going on in my head but anyway
Back to Trust and Love, I am finding that there are many people in my life that i love, but do not trust anymore. Which makes it harder for me to tell them of my love, and to demonstrate my love for them. The fear of being hurt and used and taken for granted for the rest of my life is too great. Fear has me caught in its trap over more things than just this one thing, Fear is a hard cruel master, and its harder and harder to try and fight it. Sometimes I just want to give in, let go and let the goddess sort it all out in my next life. but there are too many people, too too many people who do love me even if they use me. too many people who even in my next life i wouldn't be able to go on knowing how badly i hurt them by giving up. So i won't die, i dont lay down and give up. i will walk on, walk on with a limp, walk on as half a person with half a soul and half a heart. Goddess steer any away from me who would love me b/c i cannot love them back or trust them back as they would deserve. I am broken, used and damaged. I am unwanted. My dragon has left and I am realizing slowly that he isn't coming back, but Goddess help me I can't love him any less. I can't still feel like I need him any less, like I want him in my life any less. Trust is an easy thing to give out, even easier to break but the hardest to get back once it has been broken. and love well, i guess once you love someone you will always love someone no matter what they do to you in the end you will love them still.
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