Sad Realization

My mom went to work this afternoon so she isn't here tonight, I have noticed with her not being here I have to work much harder at not breaking down. I have to keep doing something to occupy my attention so my mind doesn't think about all the hurtful things it really wants to think about. I hesitate writing anything down anymore b/c if I write it, that makes it more real...less able to be fixed in my mind for some reason. The tremors and shakes have been really bad today and I have eaten and taken my meds like I am supposed too. I didn't realize how much energy mom was feeding me and how she was bubbling me. No wonder why she is always so tired lately. I am having a hard time comming to terms with the person I am now and grieving for the person that I was. I feel like in a way I really have died. The person I was with all her dreams and wants and hopes and wishes and ambitions...she died when her dragon flew the den. Now I am left to deal with this...half person... This person who is afraid of human contact b/c they might ask how she is and she might tell them the truth. Of being in crowds, of darkness, of the thunder and rain of being alone.  This new person isn't strong and happy go lucky. She isn't sure and confident and knows what she wants from life. This new person is lost, and lonely and desperately trying to remember who she is. Or if she can't remember if there is absolutely no salvaging the old person, making a new person all together. She has no idea how to do that. And while she is trying to figure that out she is afraid people are going to get tired of waiting and leave her. Because in the end that is what she is really truly afraid of. I mean her soul mate left her, her best friend and one true love of a thousand life times, what is to stop the others from leaving? What is to stop them from tossing her aside as a failure, as a selfish failure... She doesn't know and that, that is what I have realized, I am scared and I feel alone. I don't know what to do with myself and my life now.. Im cast off and adrift and I feel like utter total complete fail. I can't even function on a daily basis without my mom or someone who I can emotionally depend on. I don't know how to depend on myself. I don't have that skill set anymore. I find myself avoiding friends and family because I don't want them to find out that I have fallen off the wagon and even my dragon feels like I am a lost cause. I don't want to have to hear them say how sorry they are and look at me with pity in their eyes. Actually that isn't all the way true, I am afraid to tell them what is going on really because I have always been the sensible responsible one that had the life and relationship that was going to go all the way, and it hasn't. I don't want them to gloat and ugh. Through it all, I miss the company, the confidant. My partner and best friend who I talked to all the time and told everything too. I miss that more than anything else. I guess second in that would be the touches. The hugs and kisses and hand holding. The snuggling on the couch and before bed, the waking up at night and feeling him near and hearing his breathing and knowing everything was going to be all right. I let him down, I let me down, I let us down but worst of all, I let our children down. They will never know life now. It's hard not to keep going back and thinking if I had done this or didn't do that. I wish I could just know the truth to it all and see and understand. If I could do that and he could too, I know we could salvage it and make it better...but like everyone keeps telling me. Both of us have to want that. In the end I guess I am glad I didn't kill myself. If only because is spared my family that pain but I wonder what sort of life I will have now that I am not a complete person. Now that anyone whoever loves me is doomed for heartache b/c I could never love them back. I feel like I have lost my love of life in general when I lost the love of my life....