Still

I care, I have always cared. I always believed in you. I thought you were so amazing and wonderful. So spirited and full of strength. You took charge of things, you were confident and smart and amazingly funny. You were quirky and made me laugh, made me feel fun. Feel like together we could go anywhere and do anything. I defended you, protected you. Believed that you were better, more than what people saw. I trusted you completely. I loved you, I love you still...but I am broken. I am lost, and hurt and angry. You took all I gave you and just tossed it away. I helped make you and you left me......

The Wolf Cub.

you gave me wings
you helped my fly
together we soared so high
but the storm was rough
things got tough
I tried to cope,
I tried to have hope.
the lightening struck
and then I fell
I fell and you weren't there
I fell and you flew away
you screached and clawed at the sky
flying oh so high
and I fell down down down
lower than the ground.
My wings were destroyed
my fur was singed
I guess a wolf was never meant to fly
she was never mean to soar the sky
she was never meant to be his
he was never meant to be hers.
who could tame a dragon.
who could ask him to be shackled to the ground.
she was a fool.
a fool in love.
a fool in love still.
She limps along, her wings and heart aching.
her paws torn and cracked and bleeding
her coat soaked and matted.
she doesn't know of the dragon
he hides his mind from her
hides his thoughts and emotions from her
hides his new life from her.
she barely sees him in the distance.
A huge shadow on the ground.
but she can never run fast or far enough to catch up.
thats why he gave her wings in the first place.
but now she has to remember she isn't a dragon
could never be a dragon.
She is only a wolf.
A sad lonely little Wolf Cub.

Sad Realization

My mom went to work this afternoon so she isn't here tonight, I have noticed with her not being here I have to work much harder at not breaking down. I have to keep doing something to occupy my attention so my mind doesn't think about all the hurtful things it really wants to think about. I hesitate writing anything down anymore b/c if I write it, that makes it more real...less able to be fixed in my mind for some reason. The tremors and shakes have been really bad today and I have eaten and taken my meds like I am supposed too. I didn't realize how much energy mom was feeding me and how she was bubbling me. No wonder why she is always so tired lately. I am having a hard time comming to terms with the person I am now and grieving for the person that I was. I feel like in a way I really have died. The person I was with all her dreams and wants and hopes and wishes and ambitions...she died when her dragon flew the den. Now I am left to deal with this...half person... This person who is afraid of human contact b/c they might ask how she is and she might tell them the truth. Of being in crowds, of darkness, of the thunder and rain of being alone.  This new person isn't strong and happy go lucky. She isn't sure and confident and knows what she wants from life. This new person is lost, and lonely and desperately trying to remember who she is. Or if she can't remember if there is absolutely no salvaging the old person, making a new person all together. She has no idea how to do that. And while she is trying to figure that out she is afraid people are going to get tired of waiting and leave her. Because in the end that is what she is really truly afraid of. I mean her soul mate left her, her best friend and one true love of a thousand life times, what is to stop the others from leaving? What is to stop them from tossing her aside as a failure, as a selfish failure... She doesn't know and that, that is what I have realized, I am scared and I feel alone. I don't know what to do with myself and my life now.. Im cast off and adrift and I feel like utter total complete fail. I can't even function on a daily basis without my mom or someone who I can emotionally depend on. I don't know how to depend on myself. I don't have that skill set anymore. I find myself avoiding friends and family because I don't want them to find out that I have fallen off the wagon and even my dragon feels like I am a lost cause. I don't want to have to hear them say how sorry they are and look at me with pity in their eyes. Actually that isn't all the way true, I am afraid to tell them what is going on really because I have always been the sensible responsible one that had the life and relationship that was going to go all the way, and it hasn't. I don't want them to gloat and ugh. Through it all, I miss the company, the confidant. My partner and best friend who I talked to all the time and told everything too. I miss that more than anything else. I guess second in that would be the touches. The hugs and kisses and hand holding. The snuggling on the couch and before bed, the waking up at night and feeling him near and hearing his breathing and knowing everything was going to be all right. I let him down, I let me down, I let us down but worst of all, I let our children down. They will never know life now. It's hard not to keep going back and thinking if I had done this or didn't do that. I wish I could just know the truth to it all and see and understand. If I could do that and he could too, I know we could salvage it and make it better...but like everyone keeps telling me. Both of us have to want that. In the end I guess I am glad I didn't kill myself. If only because is spared my family that pain but I wonder what sort of life I will have now that I am not a complete person. Now that anyone whoever loves me is doomed for heartache b/c I could never love them back. I feel like I have lost my love of life in general when I lost the love of my life....

Confusion

I am having trouble distinguishing things in my head and reality. I have always had that problem, my imagination is too vivid, but now I see and hear things that aren't really there. I read too much into things, small things, large things even non existent things. Maybe that is what irritated him so much and when I began having such intense anxiety he just couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes I don't even intend to create things in my head, sometimes they come all on their own. So I can't feel my true feelings, I can't get things sorted in my head out of my head. Its all so jumbled up. I can't even tell what is real about me. How I feel about things, I go back and forth from being meek and mild little mouse to raging wolf destroying things in my head b/c apparently the mouse is stronger than the wolf. Completely rediculous... ugh..

all gone

we are still together in my heart and in my mind.
i feel like it is you who has just cut cleanly all your emotions
and ties from me. Like your trying to get away as unhurt as possible
but dont you know you dont have to leave, dont you know its good here with me
and we can change and change together to make it better.
dont you know how its killing me, how im dying more and more each moment your not with me
how i feel your wings withdrawn from around me
how i feel your fire that fueled me dying out
how i feel the toughness of your scales receding from my arms.
i feel like i am running after you,i can't quite catch up.
your flying so very high and my paws are flying across the ground as fast as they can go
im angry and growling but tears roll down my muzzle too
and no matter how i try to convince you, no matter how much love and devotion i have to you and for you
you do not stop, you do not land. you fly far and fast until not even your shadow is visible.
so i sit, and i howl and my heart is broken and burned
my soul is ripped asunder and i am a mere husk of who i was
i smile and laugh, i eat and dress and clothe myself
I do what is expected and say and do the right things
i am mechanical. just so people will leave me alone in my grief
in my pain and anguish and suffering.
all of my beliefs are stripped away, all the goodness that was inside of me
all the innocents and naivety its all gone. sucked away and replaced with fear and doubt and loathing and hostility and hate.
hate for people in general, specific people anger.. complete self loathing...we are all dead. we are just waiting to realize that we are....