Good today.

Today was a good day for me. There were some parts that were hard. Such as going to the food stamp office, the heat. But mostly good. I cleaned up some and Chad asked me if we could get a personal loan because he wants to pay his gi bill so he can go to school and have am income again. I told him no we tried it before and we don't make enough or have the beat credit so no one would loan to us. I got suddenly irritated that he forgot we already tried and annoyed because I've presented him with 2 almost garunteed jobs and he has turned them down. Valid reasons or not I'm trying to help. I felt he isn't meeting me half way. Always searching for quick fix, alwa6s questioning, complaining, be mad about how life keeps fucking up no matter how hard we try. I just suddenly had enough and picked a fight about it. I don't really remember what all I said, but I was angry, sarcastic and condescending.  I apologized for being that way, but I still am so irritated because it's like he just wants to bitch instead of Staying the Course. I want him to be able to be autonomous, able to feel, and react differently to things. I told him he should be used to things fucking up and just roll with it and have a better reaction.  I realize it was mean sounding, but it's truth. I know understand and accept that he and I differ greatly in where we are mentally. And that is neither good or bad, it just is. I'm still trying to muck my way through setting boundaries.  Mom was mad because she is annoyed with him "giving us the silent treatment" and says it makes her feel like grandpa is around and I guess it stems from some ptsd from how he was. And I've tried explaining that to chad, I don't know if he is trying to change that or what, but I told mom he isn't grandpa and she should just ignore Chad and not let his silence and attitude ruin her day, or affect how she feels. To separate herself from him. That's what I did, although I was meaner. I hate I have to be angry to break through that communication wall. I recovered from my anger, and like I said apologized, unfortunately we didn't discuss what happened rather used touch to indicate were sorry and to offer love and reassurance, but I still wish we could talk about it. Anyway I'm tired, meds are picking in. I ended still feeling good mentally. I did good today.