Panic

Sometimes, nothing at all makes sense. Nothing. I try and I try, i keep getting it wrong. Maybe it's my personality that's fucked up so I can't have healthy relationships. Maybe it's because my asshole ex husband took so fucking much from me, and I can't seem to recover. My anger just keeps jumping out. I get mad and irrational, then I just cry and cry and cry and depression is always there to catch me. Hold me in its solid eternal embrace. Maybe that's all I have to look forward too. An eternal black inky void inside, a shell of a robot on the outside. I'm tired, I'm emotional, I can't think straight . I can't breathe. I'm shaking, my hearts racing. My head is numb. Numb because that's all I can process right now. Sometimes it's easier not to matter. It's easier to just say who cares and do what everyone else wants and thinks I should do, Expects of me. I get so tired of fighting. To make new brain patterns. To make new healthy relationships. It's like war. Trying to be honest, and vulnerable and open. Everyone reacts differently to it. Some with anger, others with relief. But I get tired of dealing with their reactions,  with their emotions. With their unspoken expectations. 

True self

Some people say your high self, is your true self. Stripped away from all that human turmoil and just you.

If this is true. I'm not truly suicidal amymore. Maybe. Lol. Because chad's driving and I'm thinking about nothing but safety. Like it's hard wired or something. I just found this interesting. It happens when I'm alone driving also.

Fall hurts

Fall hurts. It reminds me of all the things I used to have. The things I used to love, enjoy and do. The people I used to be with, the way we thought we had the world. I can't even share my feelings with those I love out of fear of making them sad too. I'm so sad that the trees, vegetation and animals are gonna go dormant or migrate. The sun gives way to the night. It's like something dies in me when the night's are longer. When the air cools. Sadness wells in me, memories, it's like a creeping tide at first then a rush of water. I love the leaves, the colors and they way the wind plays with them. Wolf feels strong in the fall, maybe because she knows I get weak. I'm trying to make my mind remember the good things I like and give me pleasure about fall. What I love and even if I can't do all I want to do during this time, i can participate as much as I'm able. Dad comes too soon and that's something I'm really looking forward to.

Better off

Sometimes I just know he would be better off without me. Someone who can budget, who can make money and ale him to do things. Who can do sexy stuff,  without the compromises of all the fat I have. Who doesn't have my lack of endurance. Idk. He always seems happier when he is talking to other people. Like we've run out of things to talk about. I feel like. It's stale. I'm stale.

Phone call dog

I worked myself into a frenzied and kept gulping air to breathe but never exhaled and got out of breath which spread the anxiety and panic.

Irritated.

Im Not really sure what is going on. I'm irritable, I just want to be alone. I don't want to deal with Chad at all today. I love him, but I just need some me time. I want quiet. Cool, dimly lit. I want my stuffed animals, my stones, my pictures, my alter. I miss my things. My space.  I like bathrooms. They are normally cool, quiet, safe spaces. I'm tired too. Like I'm out of spoons i think. I hope mom can go back to work. I hope Chad can go back to school and get a part time job. I want to be able to work my full hours successfully, so I can have money. I'm so tired of never having money. Of having all these old bills hanging over my head. Of not being sure how I can pay my co pays for my therapy. Of getting weed. I love weed. It's helpful. And I love that cbd oil. I miss my old house where I could take a bubble bath. That would be good right now.

Good today.

Today was a good day for me. There were some parts that were hard. Such as going to the food stamp office, the heat. But mostly good. I cleaned up some and Chad asked me if we could get a personal loan because he wants to pay his gi bill so he can go to school and have am income again. I told him no we tried it before and we don't make enough or have the beat credit so no one would loan to us. I got suddenly irritated that he forgot we already tried and annoyed because I've presented him with 2 almost garunteed jobs and he has turned them down. Valid reasons or not I'm trying to help. I felt he isn't meeting me half way. Always searching for quick fix, alwa6s questioning, complaining, be mad about how life keeps fucking up no matter how hard we try. I just suddenly had enough and picked a fight about it. I don't really remember what all I said, but I was angry, sarcastic and condescending.  I apologized for being that way, but I still am so irritated because it's like he just wants to bitch instead of Staying the Course. I want him to be able to be autonomous, able to feel, and react differently to things. I told him he should be used to things fucking up and just roll with it and have a better reaction.  I realize it was mean sounding, but it's truth. I know understand and accept that he and I differ greatly in where we are mentally. And that is neither good or bad, it just is. I'm still trying to muck my way through setting boundaries.  Mom was mad because she is annoyed with him "giving us the silent treatment" and says it makes her feel like grandpa is around and I guess it stems from some ptsd from how he was. And I've tried explaining that to chad, I don't know if he is trying to change that or what, but I told mom he isn't grandpa and she should just ignore Chad and not let his silence and attitude ruin her day, or affect how she feels. To separate herself from him. That's what I did, although I was meaner. I hate I have to be angry to break through that communication wall. I recovered from my anger, and like I said apologized, unfortunately we didn't discuss what happened rather used touch to indicate were sorry and to offer love and reassurance, but I still wish we could talk about it. Anyway I'm tired, meds are picking in. I ended still feeling good mentally. I did good today.

Whatever it takes.

That song, the imagine dragons whatever it takes. Fucking song slips into my center. It's beat resonates and the words.

" I do what it takes, cuz I love the way it feels to break these chains "

For some reason i always end up singing how it feels to shake the chains.

Made me feel my wolf. Like she was waking slightly from her sleep, an ear cocked to listen, her eyes widening as she listens to the beat, she stands gingerly. Both ears listening intently. Suddenly she's suspended,  shackled deep within a center. A center surrounded by darkness and hissing demons..the song booms through her brain, a howl erupts from her muzzle and the chains shake. The monsters howl in kind,

"Take me to the top I'm ready for whatever it takes"

She gathered her strength, drawing light and power from the tiniest of crevises that darkness had yet to find. Her eyes sparked into a brilliant gold color. She shook the chains, testing their mettle.

The demons scrambled, throwing curses and visions at her, things that normally made her succumb to their will. They couldn't reach her however. The song channeled a determination through her. One that lifted her above that which seemed eternal to the light of something more, something beyond.

"Cuz I love the adrenalin in my veins"

She shook the chains, a rattling stark sound through the void.

"I do whatever it takes, cuz I love how it feels when I break these chains..."

She growled, the rumble starting deep in her chest,  louder in her throat, then defiant as it erupted from between clenched, bared teeth. With one final tug, the chains snapped, links twisting, cracking,  disintegrating. 

A soft blue light enveloped her, lifted her from the blackness of within. Her pale green eyes saw the blue sky for the first time. With an innocents that started small and spread throughout her body. Her paws felt the soft grass. Her fur ruffled in the sweet summer breeze. She breathed deep and found serenity.

In her heart she knew, she would do whatever it takes to reach this place as much as she could possible could. Solid in her determination, she rested in the summer sun. Stretched out against the mother earth, completely relaxed beneath father sky. The world was at peace. As was the wolf.

Patrick the scared.

So I have a friend at work. He's super nice. Really, but he has one habit that no matter how I try to explain it, he still goes on and on about it. He says always I want to give you a hug but Angel is looking at me and I don't want to make her mad. Or, she's protective of you! Look how she gives me the keep away from my mom look.

Ugh!!! It's so frustrating. I have explained Angel isn't going to bother you, I have repositioned her to make it a little easier on him, he's all but she's blocking my path to you. Yes that's what she is supposed to do when I am sitting at my desk with my back to the rest of the floor. She knows your a friend and even the cleaning ladies will just step over her now. I have tried to explain that Angel watches everyone, that she makes eye contact but it's not threatening or challenging in any way. That's just how she is. How she communicates.  Her eyes can speak volumes to me. I can't make him understand and I also can't make him stop talking about it. He spreads an unsavory view of her imo. I want to say, hey, I know you feel some type a way about angel. But if you could not talk that way about her since she really isn't like that. If you have insecurities that isn't angels fault and her reputation shouldn't have to suffer because of it. I just don't know how to start a conversation like that, I like him as a friend and I don't want to hurt our friendship or his feelings but everytime I see him, that's all he says and talks about. I know people aren't used to a dog who makes eye contact, who watches and is attentive to all those around me, but I've explained!! It's just so frustrating.

No power over me.

I can't take any confrontation. None, what so ever. Even when it's not involving me, nothing at all to do with me, it still affects me. Shoots my anxiety sky high, I want to run, I can't breath, I want to intervene but I can't do that either because it's not my choice, I have no control over it. At all. Funny saying that, writing it rather, let me breath a little easier. I always want to fix things, even when there's nothing to fix. I can't stand to have the tension,  the energy. And I shut down. He's sitting right next to me and I don't know what to do or say. So I shut down. I hate having clarity some times. Being able to recognize what I do, where it comes from, and why I do it. I just haven't quite figured out how to catch myself before I do it. Timing and practise i guess. Fear always rules anxiety.  I get so worked up about all the negative possibilities, when in reality nothing at all is ever set in stone. Not until after it's done i guess. Idk. I hope when I learn how to prevent my thinking on the same path, I will be able to breath easier and handle confrontation.  It's not my fight or fault. I have no control over it, and it has no power over me.

Rant

I get so tired of people talking about my cannabis use. All your money goes to weed, you get high and eat all the food and that's why your fat, whenever I say I have no money it's because obviously j spent it all on weed which isn't the case. I usually spend about 45 bucks a week give or take some weeks depending on the weed itself and the stress I'm under. Some people spend money on beer, liquor, cigarettes, soft drinks, energy drinks, lortery.... what is the difference between the two.  My vice is illegal. That's the only difference. People get all judgy, high and mighty. It just ticks me off. I try to be open about what I do, normalize it if you will and still the tone of voice people use is demeaning. Whether they realize it or not. I get put down on a lot of things. Most times they don't realize they are even doing it because of how we were all raised and how our family functions.  And then sometimes it's done on Purpose to hurt. I won't lie, my weight gain is a huge issue, and I know some of that is the weed that is best for me also makes me hungry as fuck. I'm trying to practise mindful eating and mindfulness in all of my actions and activities some are easier than others.  Now that mom is feeling better she's more forceful, more dominating. Her moods are more perceptible to me and I pay so much attention to her that I get stuck in my head. For instance she saw the car had trash in it. Only behind the passenger seat because that's where I put it and when I clean it out it's just there. She disapproves of trash in the car, of dishes in the sink of trash...ugh. she's so picky. And I just keep feeling exhuasted, run down and over anxious. I sometimes feel the only way I can take care of me and put myself first is if I could live on my own. My own space. I feel guilty for feeling that way. But it is what it is. Money is a terrible thing and my relationship with it and fast food is an issue. But anyway. All for now.

Too much

There's always so much to do. And I always feel like I HAVE to do it all. I know I don't but if I don't who will? Im on the edge but it's not critical, it's not do or die yet and I'm doing all I can to keep from getting that close. To avoid the desperation that comes with the over whelming aspect of it all. I'm praying and hoping we get a two bedroom at the end of the month. I miss a bed,  I miss my own space.

My roller coaster.

Boiling, rising, piercing. Millions of needles beneath my skin. Defenses are high, senses are heightened, shield of lies, hiding behind a facade of normality and improvement. Inside black as night, full of monsters, trembling to fight.  To fight the good that might be left, to leave the wolf broken and bereft; of all the love and all the light.

Despair begins to waken, the darkness and demons demand it. It rises, pooling out through her mind and body. It paralyzes, it brings panic to the brim, then something deep and dark. Darker than all that came before. Ruthless, guiltless, emotionless save for one. Anger. Anger breathes deeply and the monsters vanish. Anger, stretches, flexes, and demons meld away. Anger burns.  Electric blue flame, weaving, erratic like lightening. It's contagious, it's spreads, hungry, anything to feed.

Anger is eternal, it courses through her body, devouring any it wills. Anger never dies. Anger never dies. Anger. Never. Dies.