Im gone

Sometimes, I just want to fade away. Lock all my doors and windows to my room, black out all the light, turn off all electrical devices bury under mounds of blankets and pillows and pray for the end of the world. Just wait for everyone to stop needing me, loving me. Just end the pain and failure of this life and try to start over in the next. I have so many questions of my faith, of myself, of how my life has been so far. I want to understand what happened in his head and mine and how we ended up where we are now. Suffering, Alone, hurting, aching, dying inside and sometimes out. I don't know how to be happy myself so I try to make other people happy and my therapist says that is wrong, that I tried so hard to make chris happy it ended up pushing him away and i never learned how to be happy myself. I crave contact. A hug, a kiss, holding his hand. Waking up to him and falling asleep with him. I thought I was being a good wife, a food friend and lover, but now I just don't know. I worry so much about him, being out there alone, shunning what family he has left, burning bridges with mine who love him. How can he care for himself. I know I am not his mother, but I am his mate. I thought I knew all about him. I guess I didn't know him and I didn't know myself either. Most days I keep myself so busy I don't have time to think and question, or I space out so I still don't have to do it. I don't know what is true anymore, so many questions, no confidence, no stability, no roots. Im adrift lost and spinning in the dark. flashes of light and then im gone. I don't know who I am now, I don't know who I was really, and I have no idea what life holds for me now. I just want to shut out the world and fade away in my grief.

feeling fucked.

I hate feeling like I don't have anyone to really talk to. Like I don't have anyone to snuggle with, and touch and hug. To laugh with and love with. I am so mad at him, he acts like he had to do this for himself. I just don't understand. I told him the other day that I am still willing to work it out some how but he shook his head and was like stop. I don't understand how he throws away 15 years of love, companionship and friendship. I am watching harley and adam snuggle on the couch to make each other feel better and their relationship is so  i don't even know how to describe it, but they make it work its dysfunctional but somehow it works. I wish he and I could make it work. I hate feeling so alone and cut off. I hate it. I am surrounded by family that I love and that love me. but I can't cuddle and snuggle with them, it would be so inappropriate. or at least that is how I feel. I miss my Chris. We would lay here and snuggle, and cuddle and kiss. I miss the intimacy. I miss it so much, and I keep wishing I could go back. I could fix things with me before he started giving up. I still feel like its ultimatly my fault. I know I can't take credit for his choices, but If I hadn't started being so insecure, questioning, blaming him. If I hadn't lost faith and trust in him to start with. None of this would have ever happened, he would still be here with me, we would still be happy together and our life would still be the way we wanted to go. I just don't understand him and his thinking anymore. He keeps telling me that he didn't leave me for her. If that is true and its just convenience then why? He says he needed space, he needed to breathe, I was suffocating him. I know I was needy and clingy, I know that I tried to be with him too much and he didn't get to do his own thing, but that is what I have learned recently, I wish he would have stuck around to see that I did see that and I do understand. Ugh my mind is so foggy, I've been so sick, I haven't taken any meds today and my head is starting to come unravelled. I hate watching them snuggle and thinking about what I have lost. I guess Im just fucked in the head, heart and soul too. FML

Sadness Written

So many memories running through my mind lately. It's not that I don't want to remember, just not right now while the pain is so fresh, hot and seared. I guess I am done trying to figure out what happened, I am just trying to get through each day with as much happiness and calmness as I can manage. I'm all about feeling proud of myself and accomplished, but all that I do still doesn't take away the pain, the emptiness. So many country song's rolling through my head all the time, and I enjoy them but some time's on days like today, they bring up so much happiness, and it just hurts. Im so angry at him for leaving, angry at me, I don't know. I miss the man I married. My best friend, I feel like half of me is gone and there is no hope of ever getting it back so I try to fill the hole with other people, and interest's but nothing fits as well as him. Nothing completes me as wholly as he did. I can list all the things I miss, but that will just make me sadder b/c I miss them. I just wanted to write that, I miss him, and I love him so very much. but I am tired of crying, tired of feeling worthless and alone and empty. Maybe one day I will be OK, but for now living for others is still living. Maybe one day I can live for me again. Who knows.