Moral Frailties

Am I naive? I whole heartedly believed in true love, in love is all you need, love forever, complete and total surrender to the one you love. and when you marry that person you enter a bond of love compassion caring understanding compromise respect and adoration for eternity. Marriage isn't something a piece of paper can say isn't true, you can't cut the bonds like a string. I'm at a lost, I feel ashamed and worthless that my marriage is falling apart that the one I love, my mate companion and best friend felt trapped and suffocated. So he left to save him self so he says. And now what am I supposed to do, I am left with this house, wedding rings, hand fasting cloth and the feelings of inadequacy? Maybe I am too old fashioned and need to get with the times, marriage is a fad, its something you can turn on and off... No I don't want to believe that, I can't. It simply goes against who I am as a person. Who I am to myself. I truly feel I can never marry again, nor have another deep meaningful relationship because I will feel forever bound to him. That isn't his fault, those are just my feelings on commitment and marriage. I gave him everything willingly it's not something you can simply take back after fifteen years of a committed devoted relationship. I keep wondering what happened and how did it happen so fast, I keep trying to figure it out, I know it's not good for me to do that, but I can't help it, I am trying to shake these feelings of failure, of worthlessness. I mean my family has more divorces o itself than any family should have, so obviously no one is faulting me, or thinking its wrong...but me. I wanted a simple wedding and a simple white gold wedding band, because I felt simplicity was best to express our feelings. In the old days divorce was frowned upon, and you either lived miserably and while I don't necessarily agree with that, or you fixed what was wrong and worked together to make it better. I am just at a loss, I feel like he gave up, he didn't even try. I feel like the lady who will forever be alone, standing forlornly on the cliff above the seething waters, forever awaiting her true love.... I know your saying god she is so dramatic but this is serious! Marriage is a lifelong contract, you shouldn't be able to break it without much struggle, and effort to make it work and fix it. -sighs- But the views of one doesn't overwhelm the views and wants of many. The human race will get what it wants, when it wants, how it wants and woe to the person who calls moral frailties. 

empty

The worst is being alone, its wanting someone to cuddle and hug and feel completely safe with who you don't have to worry about anything, you can just relax and breathe and take in their scent and the sense of being together. Being alone with myself is, not a pleasant experience, I don't know how to be self reliant. I dont know the value and measure of my own strength. I just don't know. Anything anymore. All I know is I miss him, I miss my friend. My laughing partner, my snuggle bear, my heater and bad dream soother, my gaming buddy, my chief explorer, my mate, my love, my dragon. I miss him and everything he brought into my life. my soul, my heart. I miss the safety the security the love and laughter. I just... Im alone, alone in my head, heart and soul. even goddess is having trouble reaching me it seems, Im in a house full of loving family and I still feel lost abandoned and cut off from all things good and happy. I keep wishing this is a bad dream, i keep wanting to have everything be magically fixed but i know it won't be, i will drift in this shell existing only to take up space in the hearts around me that love me most. I am empty.

4 am

I guess I can't sing that 4 oclock in the morning song anymore heh, oh well. Shit happens doesn't it, Shit happens and when it does, not only does it happen but your covered, smothered, and royally fucked by said Shit, and when its over sometimes all you see is shit shit and more shit, but if you can wipe your eyes, hold your breath and look out from underneath all the shit, theres a few things left worth living for. Even if the things worth dying for WAY and i mean WAY outnumber the things worth living for, its those things that may be small that I cling too. Angels cuddles in the morning, Pepper zoe and sweetie happy good morning bounces, Eva kisses and giggles, tally conversations, riding with mom, hanging out at the house with harley, adam, john and donny, crafting with jeanene and watching loki be a crazy kid. feeling happy's unconditional love, counting on eddie for a quick scare and gwen for some down to earth advice, dad random funny txt messages, and words of encouragement and wisdom from gretchen... remembering tim knocking about in the garage and canning tomatoes with grammi, and poofy's rants about stupid people and coffee. and jasons crazy drink mixes, talking on the phone till the sun is almost up and wondering why in the hell we can't sleep. I may be doomed to pain forever and ever, but I am a wolf, I have a wonderful pack and even tho I want to just lay down and die, to give up and leave for the next life, they hold me down and say "no try one more time" funny I just realized you guys are my hope. hahaha Rediculousness at 4 oclock in the morning and its starting to get light, im not right where i want to be, but i been loosing track of time and im not sure what i wish anymore, but here is hoping to a good night....You know who you are, and I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. No amount of Shit could change that. -laughs crazily and wonders how much longer till pass out time.-

done

broken and used,
twisted and bruised
the only thing left in life is pain
devoured by blame
jacked up and tore up
emotionally drained
feeling deranged.
gone and dead inside
waiting to be drowned by the tide
done with this life
done with this strife
done.

Crying Forever

Its 2 am and Im still awake
feeling for the billionth time my heart break
lost in a shell of my own sadness.
feeling the fear of my own madness.
Im dead and cold, burning in my self made hell
Looking up at the ledge from which I fell.
It rains regret, remorse and hate.
Im sorry comes too late.
Forget the life that was, forget the life that would have been.
Im weighted down by both our sin.
a walking dead in real life
crying forever, Im still your wife.