Sanity

 Take away my sanity.

Strip away my vanity.

Take away all that I am.

I'm living a life that's damned.

No eyes to truly see.

No heart that can truly beat.

No soul that can truly thrive.

I'm barely living, trying to survive.

I'm black as night,

Hoping for a fight.

I see only red.

I see only millions dead

The things I think, the things I feel.

Are they even really real?

Are they lies and illusions made up in my head.

Remember, remember all the things you said.

I'm hot and cold.

Young and old.

I'm not for the faint of heart.

My issues could tear us apart.

I'm begging to be saved.

I'm pleading to be heard.

Reach inside, remove my pain.

Someone please, am I even sane?

Solitude circa 2021

 Her silver muzzle was stained with tears. The pads of her paws were cracked and raw. Her ribs were visible from beneath her once beautiful coat. She trudged on, forgotten, abandoned and alone. The hunt for food was an ever present struggle. Her meals were small and left her still hungering. She wandered from place to place, sometimes making circles sometimes simply following the sun. She barely rested and when she did it was interrupted by horrible nightmares that left her gasping for reality. Her heart ached day and night. Everything, her entire life was gone. Her pack, her mate, her cubs. She lost her sense of self, who and what she was. Now all she see's is a deranged she-wolf  when she she stares into her reflection. There was no light or fire in her golden eyes, they were dull, listless even. Everything she attempted, each effort was always thwarted and she ended up being the blame taker, the door mat. Her pack always took her for granted and now with no pack, no lands, no self. She wandered in her silent solitude, wishing the gods would let her leave this place, but knowing that they weren't done with her yet. She howled to the moon, begging the mood goddess to ease her pain, heal her heart, and help her find her self and place in this new life that she lived. - Solitude

Fire, Air, Water, Earth.

 Long story short. My first love, was the first man I married. 6 lifetimes later we are fantastic friends and I'm friends with his gf. She said loving him was like loving a rock. She said that and this is what popped into my head, I didn't want to share it on my page b/c she is there, but I wanted to share it some place. I feel like he is my twin flame. I am not sure if I can ever fall in love again b/c the love I had/have for him is so BIG. We are not romantically involved AT ALL. But we are emotionally. We've known each other for 30 years. During our Wedding Ceremony we did a handfasting. Lots of bad decisions later, my last ex made me throw out the handfasting knotted cloth. I never undid the knot. I never undid the hand fasting. I guess maybe I just want feedback on this poem. And also would not cutting the handfasting cord, what could be stuck there because of that?

Tzipora - The Fifth Element.
-Loving you was like Fire. It was like Air. It was like Water. It was like Earth.

You were warm, protective, you burned away anything that harmed me. You're flames were the light in my dark dark world. I knew you would burn the world for me.

Your brilliant mind dazzled me. The way you thought, the way you spoke, the way you could problem solve pretty much anything and the way you could teach me. You were my breath.

You're love was so deep. My love for you was so deep. Its depths and vastness. We crossed oceans and time to meet each other. It ebbed and flowed but always was FULL.

You grounded me. You kept me in the real world when fantasy would sweep me away. You sheltered me. You cradled me in, and pulled me close like the hearth of a home. You were SAFE.

Loving you was like Fire, brilliant and catastrophic.
Loving you was like Air, I needed you to breath.
Loving you was like Water, but you drowned in my depths.
Loving you was like Earth, Always Centered, Always stable.

Loving you, was the only reason I existed in my previous life.
Loving you, Always Loving You. -

it hurts.

Sometimes being BFFs with Chris is great. Sometimes it hurts. 

My brain has blurred the lines between fact and fantasy. Reality and safe ideas. 

I have to be honest with myself and say I'm jealous. And envious, and sad. Such a great sadness. A missing. A longing. 

He has almost everything I ever wanted. I thought. How did we not make it before? How now is he able to do all the things he does. Jobs, girl friends, family, plans. 

I want to stop comparing. And Sometimes I go quiet in our conversations because it's such a sensitive topic that I haven't worked through so I go dark. 

I know Chad took advantage of me. I don't think I ever loved him. He was the true rebound from Chris. A bad one. 👎  

How can I be at peace or let it go when I made so many wrong decisions and I'm still punishing myself. Still comparing me to everyone who has left me. And I do feel abandoned in some ways. 

In other ways I know that it's possible John and donny feel the same way. We were a family or so I thought. 

Now Chris knows exactly what he wants out of his life. He has plans to achieve his goals he has seemingly done a lot of work on himself and man do I feel left out even though that's not how our relationship works anymore. 

Being younge, traumatized, I wanted him to save me and literally badgered him into a relationship. Marriage. But oh it was beautiful. I just feel sad. I want what he is giving not one but now two people. 

Not necessarily from him. But I WANT love and sensuality and equality. I have no idea how to date. Not when sure I want too or am ready too. So afraid of causing someone damage from my fall-outs that still happen daily. All my needs and emotions and baggage. 

I think at some point I felt I needed Chris because who else? I don't feel like anything I want in my life is actually tangible. 

Chris has been a good, honest, caring friend. And I'm happy for that. I just don't know what to do with all of this. -gestures to everything above. 

Where are you Melissa. Where are you, my partner. What do I do. I'm frozen in I don't know. I don't care.  When really I care so so much. 

post from 2013

Erase me? Can't you see? The scars on my heart written in the dark, even though it didn't last, I'll always be your past. You first love and light, you first hope that life could be bright. I believed in you, believed in the man that was hidden deep inside of you. I showered you in love and devotion. It took forever for you to admit any emotion. We were happy and free, standing tall the wonderful future that we could see. Even though that future is gone we'll always have that one song. So erase me, be free of me but remember my scars are yours too. We made them together so we could match. You can't erase the one person who loves you more than life itself. You can't forget the one person who made your heart a heart instead of a block of ice.you can't let go of the other half of your soul. I'll always be there, in the deepest parts of you. That's what passion and devotion do. That's how the scars, seams, and pieces of two mates become inked for eternity. We made each other the people we are today. Good or Ill we did it knowingly and acceptingly. See you in the darkness. Where all your secrets lie. 

- wolf

remind yourself

You ARE NOT failure. You are not a burden. You are a human being. You have feelings. Flaws, strengths, weaknesses, they say you are the problem because they do not know how to NOT project themselves onto you, you are not a failure. You are a collective of experiences. Learned, and now unlearned behaviors, coping skills both helpful and unhelpful. They do not know how to react to your emotions or want to understand because they cannot process themselves. 

My dearest love. Don't pick up burdens that are clearly not yours to carry. You deserve help, real authentic help, and a space where you can feel safe and breathe. 

If you need hope, I have some you can hold onto. If you need peace, find it in the wind, the breaths you take. If you need clarity, drink tea. If you need to cry, cry! 

You don't need to justify your existence to anyone. You're amazing just by living.

post from fb

"baby please dont go, if i wake up tomorrow will you still be here?? lets run away from these lies, back to yesterday. " 

I can almost imagine it, you still next to me, your skin and mine. your breath deep and steady, your heart in time with mine, 

"I feel the sun coming up like tick tock, trying to keep you in my head"

your arms are warm and strong, but your hands are soft and gentle. I can almost feel you here, enveloping me 

"baby please dont go go baby please dont go"

I was your world, your wonder, 

"you could watch me for a life time, my favorite movie" 

you told me so many times, you would never get bored, i promised i would never stop running to you. 

"you are a cinima, my hollywood treasure love you just the way you are."

did we lie to ourselves, to each other, could something to true and beautiful really be? 

"action, thriller"

we meant so much to each other, so very much, you were my dragon my light, you mean everything to me. 

"infect me with your poison kill me with your loving"

I never cared how light or dark, I never cared how good or evil or the grey in between, I only cared for you. My soul...

we promised forever, us against the world, I can feel your breath on my ear, hear you whisper my name, our warmth pressed into one another.  

"as long as you love me"

nothing else ever mattered, walk through the fire, demons and angels, kill and murder and die for you. 

"we could be starving, we could be homeless we could be broke"

as long as you loved me the world was right, no matter how many wrongs, but now its all upside down topsy turvey.  

where did we stop believing, where did we stop feeling the electricity the energy that connected us? 

"if you ever leave me baby, leave some morphine at my door"

with you gone, im not myself, im wrong and awkward. It's like Ive lost a leg, I have to relearn how to be how to live, 

"there is no sunshine since I lost you baby"

Im stuck between loving you and hating myself.  To see you happy and moving on sends me into jealous fits of rage, all I can think of is if you miss me, and how can you even think that she would love you like i do. 

"my heart is a battlefield, "

I can't think, I can't feel. So much anger and despair, 

"my heart melted to the ground found something so true, I never cared what they said im in love with you. "

but you cut me open and now im bleeding, my love is pouring out there is no end, there is no peace, no relief no release, you cut me open. 

What happened to us, how beautiful we were, how perfect a match we made, you took my darkness, my shame and made it beautiful, you took my shyness, all the parts i hated about myself and made them yours. something you loved...

Now im scarred and flawed and broken.... I just wanted your love, I just wanted to you, how did I miss what I had, how did I look over what we were.... 

"I let it fall, my heart, and as it fell you rose to claim it"

kissing you was like breathing, looking into your eyes was like coming home each and every time. you set fire to my world and my life, you made living worth it. how do i replace that feeling, how do i find that same spark inside me? 

"you set fire to the rain and you threw us into the flames"

forget the lies, forget the pain, take me back to when we danced and our family watched, where we kissed and it was the most beautiful and wonderful day of my life. 

you swore your life and love to me, just as I did to you...

"i'll stand beside you through the years, you'll only cry those happy tears and though I'll make mistakes, I'll never break your heart"

you swore and you lied.....