it hurts.

Sometimes being BFFs with Chris is great. Sometimes it hurts. 

My brain has blurred the lines between fact and fantasy. Reality and safe ideas. 

I have to be honest with myself and say I'm jealous. And envious, and sad. Such a great sadness. A missing. A longing. 

He has almost everything I ever wanted. I thought. How did we not make it before? How now is he able to do all the things he does. Jobs, girl friends, family, plans. 

I want to stop comparing. And Sometimes I go quiet in our conversations because it's such a sensitive topic that I haven't worked through so I go dark. 

I know Chad took advantage of me. I don't think I ever loved him. He was the true rebound from Chris. A bad one. 👎  

How can I be at peace or let it go when I made so many wrong decisions and I'm still punishing myself. Still comparing me to everyone who has left me. And I do feel abandoned in some ways. 

In other ways I know that it's possible John and donny feel the same way. We were a family or so I thought. 

Now Chris knows exactly what he wants out of his life. He has plans to achieve his goals he has seemingly done a lot of work on himself and man do I feel left out even though that's not how our relationship works anymore. 

Being younge, traumatized, I wanted him to save me and literally badgered him into a relationship. Marriage. But oh it was beautiful. I just feel sad. I want what he is giving not one but now two people. 

Not necessarily from him. But I WANT love and sensuality and equality. I have no idea how to date. Not when sure I want too or am ready too. So afraid of causing someone damage from my fall-outs that still happen daily. All my needs and emotions and baggage. 

I think at some point I felt I needed Chris because who else? I don't feel like anything I want in my life is actually tangible. 

Chris has been a good, honest, caring friend. And I'm happy for that. I just don't know what to do with all of this. -gestures to everything above. 

Where are you Melissa. Where are you, my partner. What do I do. I'm frozen in I don't know. I don't care.  When really I care so so much.