Full moon

Today I completed and performed my first full circle ritual since I can remember. A unity candle. My triquatra and Thor hammer necklaces to represent the god and goddess and drew down the full harvest moon on Friday the 13th. I feel peaceful. Accomplished. Energized. Angel was with me. I lifted my spell  to the.universe. now to have faith and hard work and I know it will come to pass.

Armored

She felt the change coming on. The fast pulse, rapid breathing. There was a tightening in her stomach and it felt like all her nerves were on fire. She wiped the tears away, the smallness fading and in its place powerful lean muscles, an armor of fur and fangs. She blinked several times, her brain adjusting to the shift. This form freed her of small. It freed her of her humanity. Leaving only the beast behind. The cunning, loyal, ruthless creature. Her golden eyes, scanning the darkness. She shook her massive body, easily recognizable as a Royal Wolf. Four times as large, and 10 times the intellect. She sniffed the air, taking in the night smells. The pain that the woman felt was further away now. Lost underneath the centuries of instinct, evolution and the need to survive.

Life was easier in this form. As an apex predator she pretty much topped the food chain. Aside from humans, the occasional encounter with other Royal beasts, she was queen of the land. She held her head higher, felt more sure of herself and leaned into her experiences and knowledge with conviction. She flexed her toes and felt the earth beneath them. She felt closer to the Goddess in this form. The smells and sights of so much nature, melds into her soul and she can feel the divine.

Taking no direction in particular she placed one paw in front of the other. With each passing mile, her woman felt smaller and more quiet. The pain waned into a dull ache and the spectacular joy of simply running and being took hold of her. Sometimes the wolf and woman can be of like minds. Melded if you would. Night running was one of those times when the minds melded easily.

It was these moments the woman was so grateful for, when she could remember who she was. Before she was anything else, she was Wolf. Her primary incarnation has always been wolf, but with the passing of time and the loss of magic, this was the only time she felt really at home within herself.

The run was long, vigorous but welcomed. The exercise cleared her mind, rejuvenated her body, and after she cooled herself her thoughts drifted to the cause of the pain. She laid her ears back, the male could be a pain. She rolled her eyes and instead decided a hunt was in order.

Silently she scanned the area. Even in such a large form she was nimble and agile. Hardly a twig snapped or a leaf rustle. She had traveled some ways to find the small family of deer. They grazed.  She crouched low, her belly almost to the ground. Keeping herself upwind, she stopped a few yards from them, stilling with the hunters calm. The doe lifted her head. Some other sense sent a shiver up her spine. -predator- it warned. She looked around, her nose wiggling incessantly as she tried to scent the intruder.

The wolf held her breath, watching the doe look for her. The doe turned her head this way and that. Left, right, left, right... the wolf suddenly burst into action. Dodging trees and shrubs, closing space with the doe in the blink of an eye. The other sounded the call and began to scramble. But the doe was transfixed, she quivered and shook, her mind and instincts screaming run, flee, live, but her eyes unable to break their stare.

The wolf loved this even more than running. Feeling her strength, her muscles and ligaments. She was power. Primal. Leathal. She crashed into the doe. Her weight knocking it over and her teeth latching onto it's throat. Her claws flexed and dug into the side of the doe and then her canines found their mark. The main neck artery severed, the life faded from the does eyes. Momentarily her mind thanked the doe, then she kicked the blood that pooled around the wound.

The meat was hot, savory and juicy. She ate until there was little left but a skeleton, some fur, and carrion fodder. Her belly sated, she quenched her thirst from a nearby creek and scanned the skies.

How long ago did she fly the sky? How long ago did she look for the giant shadow above the clouds and her heart beat with joy.  In this form, that was the only thing that ever made her feel small. Wearily she shook her head. Thinking of such things did no one any good. What's done is done and there's no undoing.

She meandered her way back to the small root covered den and curled up inside. She knew she should shift and go to bed as a woman, but the pain was still there, and the anger, so instead she closed her eyes, inhaled the moist earth smell and went to sleep. Armored in her Wolf.

Abyssal Womb.

She sat in the darkened abyss. Shiny black lined the area she was in. Cold icy black water beneath her feet, just deep enough to cover her ankles. The music flowed through her. Coursing through her veins, burning the pain, her body vibrated and bobbed to it's beat. She was naked, her white skin looked out of place in all the black. The tears flowed freely, but quietly. Her eyes closed caught up in the energy of the song, caught up in her twisting emotions, fears and demons. Louder and louder it got, the very air seemed to reverberate with anguish. There was too much, so much, the music changed, she breathed and choked out sob after sob. The energy needed out. Appearing before her lay her knife. It's orange handle a familiar friend. She hugged it to her face, the cold metal painful to her overly hot body. Crying, she kissed the knife and drew it across her skin. Carefully, barely pressing. She moved it doen her neck, her chest, her breast, a thin white line in its wake. She reached her calf and the song changed. "Could you throw it all away?" Her heart stopped and She pressed the knife in and away, slicing a thin red line into the top most layers of her skin. She took a breath, "could you suffocate like me?" She replaced the blade and again, drew it across her skin, deeper now, the blood a dark red welling up and trickling down to the water beneath. The tears restarted, the cuts became deeper. The pain was so deep, so buried, finally the song rose to it's highest, she screamed, the knife flashed red and silver. The blood poured, she lay down face first on the water. It's coolness seeping into her. Red pooled and spread, the water began to rise. She sat up, lay back and closed her eyes. The black water lifted her up. Buoyant, bleeding, but released, her mind shut down. Her senses deprived. She became quite, relaxed, part of the abyss itself. She drifted and slept. Her cuts kneeding together into pink puckered lines. The abyss held her close. A womb of silent protection.

Self destruct.

Feeling self destructive as fuck. All my insecurities, all my bullshit. Why can't I just be. My enough complex. I just want to belong. I want to be cherished, and cared for, devoted too, and doted on. I want to be an equal. A partner. A mate. I want to be small, a baby, I want direction, and shelter. I want to feel safe, and stop hating myself. I want to feel confident and sure. I want to cry and cry until I can't cry anymore. I want to stop breathing. Shut up brain. Shut up anxiety, shut up abandonment issue, shut up shut up shut up!! I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I can't make someone happy. Especially someone i care about. I can't give them all they need. I'm afraid to admit what my heart wants. I'm stuck in my head, heedless of reality, stuck in this hamster wheel of endless repetition. Why can't I see what I want and what I need and meet those myself before taking on all the responsibility for someone else. I do it automatically. Like it's preprogrammed. I want to run away. But I want to stay. I'm tired of feeling like I have to beg and plead. Maybe I'm too much. Expecting too much,  but is it really too much when it's what I offer? My tank is empty. I'm beaten, today I am truly emotionally wrecked and done. I just want the drugs to take me away and male me numb.

Hurt on purpose.

It's dark. Frogs, crickets, cicadas, all sing their song. The air smells like burning wood and cool summer. Spicy almost. Her ears twitched. She lay in her den listening to the night song. Her muzzle rest on her paws. She wondered how many stars were in the sky. Off in the distance she heard a howl. It was high pitched. She rose and trotted out into the open air. She heard another howl, equally as high pitched. She snorted air and caught the scent of coyote. For a moment she curled her lip. It was soundly unfair that even they had a pack when she did not.  Anger dashed up her throat and a growl rose from her maw. She heard several more howls and yips and then the sadness engulfed her. Memories wash over her. Images of running, hunting, playing. Surrounded by so many. Waves of emotion wracked her body. The tremors started. She lay down whining. New flashes, lions, falcons, ravens. Anger, love, sadness, loss, love, anger, sadness loss. The reel in her mind burst into cheetah like speed and just like that she ran. Past the trees, over the bushes, faster and faster, her legs trying to match the speed of the images in her mind. Her chest hurt, her lungs burned, she ran and ran. It seemed like days, but was merely hours before her mind shut off and instinct took over. Blindly she came to a trott, her chest heaving and legs shaking. She blinked several times, her eyes trying to focus and her brain attempting to process where she was and what she was doing. She slowed her pace gradually cooling her own muscles as a horse would. Her nose led her to trickling water. She drank, still blankly aware of what just happened. Her heart was still wild in her chest. She felt weak, small, vulnerable. The fire in her dwindled, her body grew chilled. She knew she should find her way back, but there was still too much emotion. The loss and hurt still too raw. A cold numb raw. She felt heavy and each step was a forced effort. She wandered until she found a dry bed of leaves and curled into them. It took a while but the warmth returned to her limbs. She felt the soreness of her muscles from such a vigorous sustained run. She curled in on herself as much as she could.  Taking small comfort from the smell of leaves, and the little warm pocket that they were creating together. Even dead things had a purpose. Maybe she will one day too.

Choices

I was walking Angel the Mexican kid pulled up and was you know that's against the rules. Talking about Angel pottying. Basically he launched onto antagonizing me about where she pottys. I tossed back they can keep the music down. I felt such intense rage.  How dare he tell me what to do how dare he bother me. I seem to slip into thinking Mexicans are less than people. Like I'm better than them. I know it's wrong to think that but I do. I just want people to stop telling me what's right and wrong what I can and can't do. Makes me defensive and I jump back. Maybe I'm angry because I'm not honest with myself  I don't pick up the poop. I'm lazy and I make the excuse that it's pointless to bag it and toss it. When I really legit feel that way but I try not to let her poop there. Anyway I did manage to he ahold of my rage just in time to not loose my cool. I'm annoyed by it and would still want to snap his little neck. On one hand I'm afraid the neighbors all think I'm a crazy nut on the other let them. I would rather they avoid me and leave me alone. They blast their music and fucking roaches!!! I'm tired and when I'm like a toddler. Shit seems spinning out of control on the outside but I can control me and myself and my thoughts and actions. I can choose. I can choose.

Shitty

I hate feeling trapped. I feel like I have no one to talk too. Everytime I go to reach out my brain over rides. I don't need to bother ppl with my crap. I want too. I can make the decision but I decided to write here. the enough record is trying to start up.

Let me start at the beginning.

I didn't get up until almost 1pm today. I needed the sleep. I know I did. I wake up and Angel hasn't been out. At first I'm annoyed because Chad is awake. He said she never asked and while Angel always waits for me to wake up to ask to go out I still wish he would have taken her as it seems to me common sense she would need to go our after 14+ hrs of not going out. I'm quickly over it, take her out and then mom starts in. She asks for breakfast, I'm fine with that. I make her and me and Chad some. Then she comes our and complains it stinks from the weed and it's many complaints until finally she comes out of her room. Jason comes down, Chad asked mom what I was making for dinner and she said snarkily she's having soup and I'm like if anyone bothered to ask I'm making soup and grilled cheese. So I do that we have dinner it's good. Then Chad "wants to have fun" and begins to aggravate me. Stepping on my foot, poking me, just generally but harmlessly annoying. I ask him to stop several times. Mom starts bitching I start bitching.  I guess he felt attacked because we come outside and starts saying how he's always walking on eggshells so he doesn't upset me or mom. He's a slave. Well I guess that just ticked something in me because I feel like I do everything. I get mad and start yelling, get defensive and go to my room. I end up coming back out because I wanted to smoke. We're sitting here not talking and as I write this, I can see several things.

I do a lot of things. But he helps too. He takes the trash, does the floors, cat boxes. He is doing more and more lately if I ask and he may indeed have felt like we were attacking him. I was just really annoyed and really didn't want him to do those things. Next time I need to tell him please do not do that, set a boundary and then if he continues to just move. Not get mad just move.

Mom is dealing with a lot. I know and it's hard to separate her shit. Fuck. I feel like I'm in the wrong now and need to apologize. I'm uncertain and shrinking. I just want to be loved. I know everyone has bad days and today I guess is just a bad day. Not all but generally. I want to find a way to talk to him/them but communicating is really hard for me. I should also note I didn't take my meds like i should so that I'm sure contributed to some but not all. Sigh