Self destruct.

Feeling self destructive as fuck. All my insecurities, all my bullshit. Why can't I just be. My enough complex. I just want to belong. I want to be cherished, and cared for, devoted too, and doted on. I want to be an equal. A partner. A mate. I want to be small, a baby, I want direction, and shelter. I want to feel safe, and stop hating myself. I want to feel confident and sure. I want to cry and cry until I can't cry anymore. I want to stop breathing. Shut up brain. Shut up anxiety, shut up abandonment issue, shut up shut up shut up!! I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I can't make someone happy. Especially someone i care about. I can't give them all they need. I'm afraid to admit what my heart wants. I'm stuck in my head, heedless of reality, stuck in this hamster wheel of endless repetition. Why can't I see what I want and what I need and meet those myself before taking on all the responsibility for someone else. I do it automatically. Like it's preprogrammed. I want to run away. But I want to stay. I'm tired of feeling like I have to beg and plead. Maybe I'm too much. Expecting too much,  but is it really too much when it's what I offer? My tank is empty. I'm beaten, today I am truly emotionally wrecked and done. I just want the drugs to take me away and male me numb.