Shooting Stars

We touch each other so briefly in this World. Shootings stars colliding and in one brilliant force of light we are dust and begin our Journey anew. I find myself missing people I didn’t expect to miss, reliving my mistakes over and over in my nightmares. Tiny fractures of light break away from me with each collision, sparks of love floating away forever lost in the night sky. I love so easily, I care too much, too fast. I see and believe in the good of other beings, accepting their flaws as they are, perfect in their imperfection. I trust too much. I trust that with each Collision instead of being diminished, I will be impacted with the same loving and accepting compassion that I bear upon the object of my destruction. I have yet to touch an equal. I want the very most of even the most briefest of interactions between one being and the next. I want to see and taste the fire that is YOU. I want to feel and brush up against your soul, feeding on your fears, hopes, dreams and regrets. I want to bask in your open honesty and inner light, your subconscious conscious as we caress each others minds in the black hole that is life. I want to watch you GLOW. I want to collide. I want to shatter against you, each of us immovable forces in our own right. I want to feel the white hot desperate need of your soul reaching out to mine. I want to feel the molten hotness of our hearts as they meld together in spiritual oneness. I want to quench my desire in the deepest recesses of what makes you, YOU. I to feel the waves of our Love echo into the darkest parts of the Universe, I want the Sound and Light of our destructive rebirth to reverberate across worlds. I want to immerse ourselves in the Inner Source that makes up our physical being. I want to be crushed against the weight of your trust and loyalty as we hurtle at unimaginative speeds towards a destiny that is uncertain. I want to romp with wanton abandonment with each explosive adventure as we share the best and worst of us with each other. I want to see the cracks of your soul and heart reflected from mine, and know that all the hurt that was done, cannot be undone, but the beauty of your broken being is only eclipsed by your undying devotion and commitment to something greater, something more. I want to surrender all that I am, was or will be to all that you are, were or have yet to become. Only in Surrender, the conscious decision to willingly do so, will renewal be possible. So allow me to touch you, even if it’s ever so fleeting, allow me to caress the Anger and Sadness that makes up your mind. I cannot save you, nor can you save me from the horrors of this world, but in a moment, we can Collide and something amazing can be an experience we can hold against our hearts, feel ourselves flush with excitement and know that we have met and beheld the most precious and beautiful of creatures. We are Shooting Stars, too soon Dust, so when we can, we should always choose to crash into one another.

Fire and Rain

She lie in the dark room. The curtains were drawn back and the windows thrown wide open to the storm. It was hot, a sweaty humid heat that only made you irritable. Outside the lightning illuminated the steamy ground. She stay just far enough from the window so as not to tempt fate but with each and every clap of thunder, her heart beat sounded louder in her ears. Her eyes flashed that brilliant gold each time the sky and ground were connected with the electricity of the storm. The hair on her body stood on end, the sticky sweat that coated her body seemed charged by the air. Her gown pressed closely against her body, clinging to her as she wrapped her arms tightly around herself. Her eyes were brimming with tears but her fist's were clenched tightly. Her nails dug into her skin keeping her grounded in the here and now. Her head throbbed fighting the emotions of the past. The heat waves from the window caressed her skin like his hot breath, she could hear his voice in her ears, here the vibrating growl from his chest in each boom of thunder. She ached, heart body and soul. The want of him was so great she could hardly stand. Her mind seemed to be playing tricks on her as she thought she glimpsed his massive body in the clouds. She imagined his hulking mass, his glistening red scales. How he had danced in the storm, controlling it, consumed by it. Now she was caught up, she herself consumed in his memory. The way that when they touched, the spark between them was so great it eclipsed the world and brought new galaxy's into being. How when they came together in the ultimate act of love and lust the universe reeled from their mating. She glanced back at the now empty bed, the pain in her heart was so great she cried out loud, screaming his name. Her hair clung to her face, then finally as if the storm had teased her enough and finally taken pity on her, the rain came. Sheets of fat water droplets propelling into the over heated ground. The steam that arose fogged her vision momentarily before clearing so she could see the rain pour down. It was torrential, a monsoon even. With a cut off cry she dashed out of the room, down the stairs and out into the storm. Instantly the cool water on her clammy skin was calming, the fire in her soul that only he could conjure abated and she allowed herself to be drenched, her bare feet soaking up the cool wetness of the ground as the water puddled in places.  Her hair plastered to her head and face she lifted her eyes to the sky and watched the lighting and rain mingle in her vision. Rain cleanses. Perhaps it could cleans her of her addiction of him. She laughed quietly at the thought. She sat in the grass and lay back. The rain had lessened slightly. Her heart beat felt like it was slowing, calming. She breathed in the night air of summer, grounded herself to the mother earth and silently thanks father sky for the rain she needed to put out the fire in her soul.....

so much more

I miss you. I am tired of missing you. I talk to you on the weekends, but it's not the same. I am tired of hiding, of justifying. I am tired of repeating things that I think people want to hear. I can't think my way through my thoughts. I have so many people telling me things, things they think are helping me but in actuality it sort of hurts to be told that the person you chose as a partner altered how you dealt with people in your life. and those people didn't like the person you became. aren't i the same person, shouldn't you love me no matter how i am? I thought I had things all figured out. You grow up get married have some babies, stay loyal and monogamous to your one true love, your soul mate. you grow old together after a life filled with joy and laughter and love and sticking together through thick and thin.  Life isn't clear cut like that, it's not a fairy tale, you can't plan it, you can only react to it.  I thought as long as we loved each other and held onto that, it would be enough. It wasn't, it isn't. Most of the time I have no idea what I am doing, where I am going, I am just drifting, trying to stay afloat. Trying to do anything to make the pain stop, the scrutiny, the horribly negative feelings that I feel almost constantly. I find myself craving, starved for intimacy. His touch was fire to my skin, but so soothing, so calming. I still don't see a third of what everyone else seems to see about him, I love him so much and only want to see and believe in the good, but i know now i need to be open, understanding and accepting about the bad. but there has to be a limit right? people can't just be assholes to other people just because they feel like it right?  I dont know what is right or wrong half the time anymore, or if there is even a point to caring. I find myself wondering do I really believe in God/dess because i truly believe or because i am afraid not to believe in something, do i really believe in reincarnation and karma or are we all just blips and there isnt an answer to the why or how. am i thinking this on my own or is it because he brought it up and believes that way. i feel like a liquid. i dont have my own shape, i merely take on whatever container i am in. i feel like that a lot. like i dont have a true self, i simply take on characteristics of whoever my people/friends are around me. i dont feel like a real person most of the time, just a sound board, ill bounce your thoughts and idea's back to you and pretend they are my own. I'll say or do whatever i can just so you willl like me...i keep putting on this happy face and making my lists but inside im still dying, smoldering, sometimes the depression is so all consuming i think about cutting myself or vomiting or anything for attention to make someone see hey this isn't right, but i never do because i fear they wont take me seriously. when i ask for help it's just, it's been two years you need to pull yourself together. but its so much more than that. I miss my soul mate, my best friend i miss having someone to lay with at night, to kiss and hug and touch to laugh and love with to enjoy anothers company without having to try. but its also feeling safe, and sound and wanted. just for being me. its missing my confidence, and my autonomy my independance, its missing the surety of my path that i had chosen., its so much more....

Release Me

Release me from this pain and torture.
Release me from the torment of waiting and hoping.
Release me from the sleepless nights and days.
Release me from the past and the present.

I can't breathe, I can't feel. All I can do is wish, wonder and hate.
I can't see the sun, or the moon I can only feel the icy fire of my failure.
Love was supposed to be all encompassing, it was surrendering yourself, taking pieces of yourself and trading with that one you love. It was give and take, compromise and promise.
I can't understand, I can't feel, I don't know what is real.

Release me from this love,
Release me from this pain.
Release me from this want and need.
Release me from myself....

old friernds

I hate running into people from forever ago. I hate them asking how I've been, what I've been up to how's married life. Only to tell them and see the pity flash across their face. I hate hearing people say I'm "better off" or wow you've changed. I hate feeling the judgement they pass. It only reopens the wound of failure. You don't know me any more. I move through life meeting so few friends but many what I call acquaintances of opportunity. I was conveniently your friend for classes, jobs but if you ain't in my life right now there is a reason I "lost touch" and no this isn't directed at anyone on my friends list here. I'm just annoyed. I don't like telling "how I've been" no one wants to hear hey my marriage failed, I filled bankruptcy, I was crazy and treated by a team of psych specialists. My family was on suicide watch for over a year and now I'm technically mentally/emotionally disabled but I'm on great meds! So if you don't really want to hear don't ask. Don't make me feel like I have to make something up to spare your feelings. Don't make me relive all those thoughts and feelings under your pitiful stare. You don't know me. You don't really want to know me. Your just doing the socially acceptable thing of "catching up".

I am flawed

There are so many cliche's talking about how no one is perfect, how true love is seeing someone's imperfections perfectly. I am human much to my disgust. Mistakes will be made, on a daily basis. Hell I may even make the same damn mistake over and over and over. Learning from your mistakes is hard. Everyone has a different learning curve, everyone learns at a different pace. Something that seems like it should be common sense to you, is like rocket science to me. Sometimes I feel compelled to wright all the imperfections down, straight up honesty. I wonder if I wrote something like this to Chris would he understand.

I hate my outside appearance. As a whole, I am fat, disgusting. I have different things I love about myself but for the most part, my body image is terrible and that directly impact's my confidence, self esteem, self worth. ecct. It affect's how I interact with people, how I plan my day. It affect's what seat I sit on at the movie theater and what restaurant I go to with my friends. It affected my relationship with my husband to the extent that I never understood why he wanted to be with me, how he could love me as much as he did, I never felt that I was enough for him. Even though clearly he showed me that I was, and as a result... well trust is a hard thing to grasp and understand.

I am a people pleaser. I have this ridiculous urge, no need, to make people happy. To make them content, to go above and beyond what they would want or need just to get their approval.  The detriment to myself is never thought of until after the fact.  Whatever I have to do to make people like me, to make them happy I will do. up to a point. This goes hand in hand with this next item.

I cannot handle any sort of confrontation. I will bend over backwards to smooth out a situation between myself and others, or even between others that do not even concern me just because the idea of someone being mad, disappointed or any negative emotion to me is soul shattering. I just CANNOT handle it. Its even so bad at work that I caught myself pretending my computer crashed just because I did not want to tell a customer that the seat he wanted on his flight he couldn't have. Then of course, there is the other side of this spectrum. I try to be calm but assert myself in situations where I am being used as a door mat and tend to take it way way to far and then people just see me as a spoiled demanding brat of a person.

All of these contributed to my breakdown and while there is many many more, I haven't the want to write about them at this moment. I wish I could start over. Begin again with a clearer vision of what I want. -shakes head- I've lost where I was going with this.....

two halves don't make a whole.

The anxiety tonight is real. I am not sure when it started, but it is here now. I feel cluttered. I am afraid I might be a hoarder.... or at least live in a hoarder like home. The house is filthy and it's really getting to me. All I can hear is Chris voice in my head about how this isn't right and that is wrong and I cling to that voice. I want to bad to talk to him and tell him about my trip to Seattle. How much fun I had, how he would have loved it. But I can't.... if I talk to him I will want to call him and I don't want to seem so.... desperate. Even though I am, desperate for his voice, his smile his laugh and touch. I am afraid to talk much to him b/c it would give him the opportunity to hurt me.. and while a part of me still believes he would never do that on purpose.... the other part of me feels like since he left that is what he was doing. on purpose.  Also my family would be so angry with me. I don't know what kind of life I want, but this isn't it. Laying in bed all day watching netflix when I know I should be cleaning, but i just don't feel like it. It's too much, it wont get done all at once, it just piles up. I hate the filth but I also hate cleaning what isn't my mess and dirt. I wish he was hear to lay my head on his chest and hear his heart beat. he would put his arm around me and gently rub my back until i fell asleep. the anxiety would feather away, peace would come over me. I would be safe and secure. I can't remember a time since he left that I have felt that safety. That peace. I have no peace, no quiet only the raging storm that everyone thinks has quieted. I've just gotten better at hiding it. Holding back the tsunami takes up so much energy and people wonder why i have no patience, why I get frustrated so easily.  I wish I could feel clean, safe, at peace... I doubt that I ever will again.  I hope he misses me, In a jealous angry way I hope he feels the pain I feel and realizes what wrong he has done. I love you Christopher but I hope you feel the pain that I feel of your mate being gone. guiltily i hope you get karma but at the same time, i just want your peace and happiness..... without you i am two wolves eternally at war within myself. i am a raging inferno and unstoppable tsunami. I am utter darkness and blinding burning light. its a wonder i can reside within my own skin.

I should have danced...

There is a space in my chest, where my heart used to be where you used to be. I get so tired of pretending, of trying. All I want is for you to hold me and hug me and say your sorry and I will too, but its a fading dream, a memory. When I allow myself to feel the space that was you, its raw, throbbing, sore like the sliver of skin when it peels back from your cuticle and you can't quite get it off so its there aggravating itself worse and worse.  It's the space in the core of my body right where the mark used to be. if it ever was. I am so angry with you for leaving, so angry at life and myself and my family. I am just tired of being me. Impulsively I want nothing more than to show up at your door, and beg you to drive away with me. Whenever we ran out of gas is where we would stop and start over, but I know that is just a ridiculous solution to an unsolvable problem. The reality is you're gone and as far as I know you aren't coming back and I could beat you up for that!! I just want to cry and scream but I can't, I can't anymore. Work and home life, the only difference is your not here to share it with, to laugh with and love with and just be with. I miss that more than anything the simple act of being together. God damned it Christopher. Should you ever, ever see this, I HATE YOU. i hate that you left me, and hurt me. I hate that we made all these promises and vows and then we did exactly what we said we would never do. I still wear the rings you gave me because I am too afraid to take them off. All of our portraits are still on the walls, the house is the same as when you left. I can't bring myself to change it. I am so sorry, so sorry that I was so difficult, that I was never happy and content like you were. I always wanted more, I am so sorry for that. I just wish I could I don't' know. I love you Christopher, I always have and I always always will. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew I was yours. And now, I don't know what to do. I fill my days with endless list's and check them off one at a time but I am so empty. So very empty.  I still sleep on your side of the bed trying to surround myself with whatever of your essence would be left. I know I sound hopeless and pathetic, I wish I had kept something of your clothes. I keep trying to fill my life, but all I have done is make it worse. I just miss you, i am so tired of missing you, but I do all the same. I am so sorry that when you pulled me into dance when the house was being built that I pulled away. I am so so so sorry. I should have danced with you and to hell with the builders watching.  I should have trusted you, when I couldn't trust me, I should have trusted you. I am sorry. I love you.......