I am flawed

There are so many cliche's talking about how no one is perfect, how true love is seeing someone's imperfections perfectly. I am human much to my disgust. Mistakes will be made, on a daily basis. Hell I may even make the same damn mistake over and over and over. Learning from your mistakes is hard. Everyone has a different learning curve, everyone learns at a different pace. Something that seems like it should be common sense to you, is like rocket science to me. Sometimes I feel compelled to wright all the imperfections down, straight up honesty. I wonder if I wrote something like this to Chris would he understand.

I hate my outside appearance. As a whole, I am fat, disgusting. I have different things I love about myself but for the most part, my body image is terrible and that directly impact's my confidence, self esteem, self worth. ecct. It affect's how I interact with people, how I plan my day. It affect's what seat I sit on at the movie theater and what restaurant I go to with my friends. It affected my relationship with my husband to the extent that I never understood why he wanted to be with me, how he could love me as much as he did, I never felt that I was enough for him. Even though clearly he showed me that I was, and as a result... well trust is a hard thing to grasp and understand.

I am a people pleaser. I have this ridiculous urge, no need, to make people happy. To make them content, to go above and beyond what they would want or need just to get their approval.  The detriment to myself is never thought of until after the fact.  Whatever I have to do to make people like me, to make them happy I will do. up to a point. This goes hand in hand with this next item.

I cannot handle any sort of confrontation. I will bend over backwards to smooth out a situation between myself and others, or even between others that do not even concern me just because the idea of someone being mad, disappointed or any negative emotion to me is soul shattering. I just CANNOT handle it. Its even so bad at work that I caught myself pretending my computer crashed just because I did not want to tell a customer that the seat he wanted on his flight he couldn't have. Then of course, there is the other side of this spectrum. I try to be calm but assert myself in situations where I am being used as a door mat and tend to take it way way to far and then people just see me as a spoiled demanding brat of a person.

All of these contributed to my breakdown and while there is many many more, I haven't the want to write about them at this moment. I wish I could start over. Begin again with a clearer vision of what I want. -shakes head- I've lost where I was going with this.....