so much more

I miss you. I am tired of missing you. I talk to you on the weekends, but it's not the same. I am tired of hiding, of justifying. I am tired of repeating things that I think people want to hear. I can't think my way through my thoughts. I have so many people telling me things, things they think are helping me but in actuality it sort of hurts to be told that the person you chose as a partner altered how you dealt with people in your life. and those people didn't like the person you became. aren't i the same person, shouldn't you love me no matter how i am? I thought I had things all figured out. You grow up get married have some babies, stay loyal and monogamous to your one true love, your soul mate. you grow old together after a life filled with joy and laughter and love and sticking together through thick and thin.  Life isn't clear cut like that, it's not a fairy tale, you can't plan it, you can only react to it.  I thought as long as we loved each other and held onto that, it would be enough. It wasn't, it isn't. Most of the time I have no idea what I am doing, where I am going, I am just drifting, trying to stay afloat. Trying to do anything to make the pain stop, the scrutiny, the horribly negative feelings that I feel almost constantly. I find myself craving, starved for intimacy. His touch was fire to my skin, but so soothing, so calming. I still don't see a third of what everyone else seems to see about him, I love him so much and only want to see and believe in the good, but i know now i need to be open, understanding and accepting about the bad. but there has to be a limit right? people can't just be assholes to other people just because they feel like it right?  I dont know what is right or wrong half the time anymore, or if there is even a point to caring. I find myself wondering do I really believe in God/dess because i truly believe or because i am afraid not to believe in something, do i really believe in reincarnation and karma or are we all just blips and there isnt an answer to the why or how. am i thinking this on my own or is it because he brought it up and believes that way. i feel like a liquid. i dont have my own shape, i merely take on whatever container i am in. i feel like that a lot. like i dont have a true self, i simply take on characteristics of whoever my people/friends are around me. i dont feel like a real person most of the time, just a sound board, ill bounce your thoughts and idea's back to you and pretend they are my own. I'll say or do whatever i can just so you willl like me...i keep putting on this happy face and making my lists but inside im still dying, smoldering, sometimes the depression is so all consuming i think about cutting myself or vomiting or anything for attention to make someone see hey this isn't right, but i never do because i fear they wont take me seriously. when i ask for help it's just, it's been two years you need to pull yourself together. but its so much more than that. I miss my soul mate, my best friend i miss having someone to lay with at night, to kiss and hug and touch to laugh and love with to enjoy anothers company without having to try. but its also feeling safe, and sound and wanted. just for being me. its missing my confidence, and my autonomy my independance, its missing the surety of my path that i had chosen., its so much more....