it hurts.

Sometimes being BFFs with Chris is great. Sometimes it hurts. 

My brain has blurred the lines between fact and fantasy. Reality and safe ideas. 

I have to be honest with myself and say I'm jealous. And envious, and sad. Such a great sadness. A missing. A longing. 

He has almost everything I ever wanted. I thought. How did we not make it before? How now is he able to do all the things he does. Jobs, girl friends, family, plans. 

I want to stop comparing. And Sometimes I go quiet in our conversations because it's such a sensitive topic that I haven't worked through so I go dark. 

I know Chad took advantage of me. I don't think I ever loved him. He was the true rebound from Chris. A bad one. 👎  

How can I be at peace or let it go when I made so many wrong decisions and I'm still punishing myself. Still comparing me to everyone who has left me. And I do feel abandoned in some ways. 

In other ways I know that it's possible John and donny feel the same way. We were a family or so I thought. 

Now Chris knows exactly what he wants out of his life. He has plans to achieve his goals he has seemingly done a lot of work on himself and man do I feel left out even though that's not how our relationship works anymore. 

Being younge, traumatized, I wanted him to save me and literally badgered him into a relationship. Marriage. But oh it was beautiful. I just feel sad. I want what he is giving not one but now two people. 

Not necessarily from him. But I WANT love and sensuality and equality. I have no idea how to date. Not when sure I want too or am ready too. So afraid of causing someone damage from my fall-outs that still happen daily. All my needs and emotions and baggage. 

I think at some point I felt I needed Chris because who else? I don't feel like anything I want in my life is actually tangible. 

Chris has been a good, honest, caring friend. And I'm happy for that. I just don't know what to do with all of this. -gestures to everything above. 

Where are you Melissa. Where are you, my partner. What do I do. I'm frozen in I don't know. I don't care.  When really I care so so much. 

post from 2013

Erase me? Can't you see? The scars on my heart written in the dark, even though it didn't last, I'll always be your past. You first love and light, you first hope that life could be bright. I believed in you, believed in the man that was hidden deep inside of you. I showered you in love and devotion. It took forever for you to admit any emotion. We were happy and free, standing tall the wonderful future that we could see. Even though that future is gone we'll always have that one song. So erase me, be free of me but remember my scars are yours too. We made them together so we could match. You can't erase the one person who loves you more than life itself. You can't forget the one person who made your heart a heart instead of a block of ice.you can't let go of the other half of your soul. I'll always be there, in the deepest parts of you. That's what passion and devotion do. That's how the scars, seams, and pieces of two mates become inked for eternity. We made each other the people we are today. Good or Ill we did it knowingly and acceptingly. See you in the darkness. Where all your secrets lie. 

- wolf