I love you. I really do, but somewhere between all the shit, I fell out of love with you. I dont know when it happened, but I think it started shortly after we were married. When I kept forgetting the certificate. I realized I was romanticizing marrying you. Then when you got serious, I panicked. I didnt want to be married I realized.
The details are, many. I didn't want to displease you. I tried everything to make sure you have a good day, because your negativity drains the hell out of me. I also realized I cannot be with someone who despises my family and has given them every reason they need to dislike you based on how you act and treat me.
Let's be honest, our relationship was built on smoking and mutual kinks. For me, its been a roller coaster full of more bad experiences than good. Yes you've helped me grow in certain ways, but it's not been a pleasant process and in stewing in your own issues created resentment towards you from me.
I resented you didnt help me clean. I was so appreciative when you did because I wanted you to know how much I appreciated it. Then I realized its something you should have been doing anyway. For 3 years my mom and dad and your mom and sam supported us in many ways than just financially.
Yes, it was my choice to pawn and sell the things I did. However it was my need to please and avoid your explosion if there was no weed. You. Who were supposed to protect me and be my safe space, became a place of trauma. Berating me for my feelings, being horrible to my mother, posting personal things on facebook. Up until then, most of my family had no problem with you.
But this isn't about them. Its about me. I have been happier alone. Having my own space, not dealing with your mood swings, your rants on the same shit you cannot change. I'm finding it hard to forgive you for beating my dog who I cant touch on the head now. I find It hard to forgive that while beating my dog you broke a very precious figurine and never apologized for it. You broke my trust when I said I needed to walk away from a fight on the patio for my own good to calm down and you yelled and banged your fist on the table and I flashed back. My mind went blank, I sat down and honestly dont remember anything after that.
You wanted to put me in danger for your nicotine when I told you I can't be driving at night. You told me when i was scared that you cant fake sympathy for just a migraine.
I feel you've been selfish sexually and honestly it is you. I dont want to have sex with you because it's all about you, Somewhere blow jobs became chores and not really something I enjoyed but wanted to get it over with. I only wanted doggy style because you made me feel ashamed there was a "smell" I stopped coming because I tend to squirt and while you say you like that, you dont like mess. So I began to feel like a receptacle.
The fact that you cant or wont give me what I've asked for. Things you agreed upon. Things that I shouldn't have had to ask for. Yes you rubbed my back at night, but you weren't present for it. You did it aimlessly.
I've been more a priority for you since you left than while you were here and I think it's because you know what's happening. I've just been too afraid, and too sad to tell you because I know what this hurt feels like. And that's the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.
Then I think about how you've hurt me and had no care. If you had cared for me, you would have helped clean when I asked, you would have shared the load as an equal instead of me being the sub and doing everything because that's what good girls do.
For over a year, I've worked with my therapist. I've set boundaries you blasted through, furthering my mistrust of you. You've alienated the friends you had, and are jealous of my close knit family and all my supportive friends.
I'm working on finding a job. So I can get independent. I just want to find myself and be free. No one to worry about but myself. Mom takes care of herself aside from mobility issues and going to the doc.
I'm finding JOY in just being. I got so depressed because when it got cold I couldn't get up before you and go onto the patio for just me time. If I'm honest with myself, close to the end of summer I was actively avoiding you aside from supplying all I felt you needed to have a good day. I did most things just to please you so I didnt have to hear you bitch.
When I saw you after Christmas and I said no to sex, you got upset. Clearly. It just made me feel like you only cared about yourself. That you didnt respect what I said and that was one of the first things I loved about you when we met.
When I brought up the verbal and emotional abuse you still havent addressed it. Havent asked me how or why I feel that way. I personally dont feel you're very aware of how you did that.
Yes I lied. I lied about paying the rent, sending the marriage certificate, I've lied about where money has gone before I paid the rent. I know why I lied, but it's not a satisfactory answer for you. I feel like you dont care about my mental health, you put me down about Tyr constantly. I feel you silently think my spirituality is a joke.
When I hear you say, you're here to push my boundries and make me a better person. There is a difference. Boundries are to protect me and outline how I wish to be treated and give myself time to respond instead of react. Supporting me in loosing weight, Thrive, is not pushing me and saying things like you shouldn't be eating that, your not pretty enough to sell stuff. You ruined my confidence.
I hope you do go to therapy and learn things, about yourself, about how mental health works and impacts your thoughts and actions. Especially on a reflexive survival standpoint.
I never wanted it to come to this, but I feel our lives are better separate. You doing you, learning to lean on yourself and do the things you need to do to feel empowered, happy and safe.
I love you and I'm grateful you came into my life because I learned a lot even through the bad. Thank you for all the good times. Thank you for loving me, I hope you can move forward, not with bitterness or sadness or anger. I know it will take some time.
This is all I have to say. I only want the very best of life for you. I hope you want that for me too.
