Abyssal Womb.

She sat in the darkened abyss. Shiny black lined the area she was in. Cold icy black water beneath her feet, just deep enough to cover her ankles. The music flowed through her. Coursing through her veins, burning the pain, her body vibrated and bobbed to it's beat. She was naked, her white skin looked out of place in all the black. The tears flowed freely, but quietly. Her eyes closed caught up in the energy of the song, caught up in her twisting emotions, fears and demons. Louder and louder it got, the very air seemed to reverberate with anguish. There was too much, so much, the music changed, she breathed and choked out sob after sob. The energy needed out. Appearing before her lay her knife. It's orange handle a familiar friend. She hugged it to her face, the cold metal painful to her overly hot body. Crying, she kissed the knife and drew it across her skin. Carefully, barely pressing. She moved it doen her neck, her chest, her breast, a thin white line in its wake. She reached her calf and the song changed. "Could you throw it all away?" Her heart stopped and She pressed the knife in and away, slicing a thin red line into the top most layers of her skin. She took a breath, "could you suffocate like me?" She replaced the blade and again, drew it across her skin, deeper now, the blood a dark red welling up and trickling down to the water beneath. The tears restarted, the cuts became deeper. The pain was so deep, so buried, finally the song rose to it's highest, she screamed, the knife flashed red and silver. The blood poured, she lay down face first on the water. It's coolness seeping into her. Red pooled and spread, the water began to rise. She sat up, lay back and closed her eyes. The black water lifted her up. Buoyant, bleeding, but released, her mind shut down. Her senses deprived. She became quite, relaxed, part of the abyss itself. She drifted and slept. Her cuts kneeding together into pink puckered lines. The abyss held her close. A womb of silent protection.

Self destruct.

Feeling self destructive as fuck. All my insecurities, all my bullshit. Why can't I just be. My enough complex. I just want to belong. I want to be cherished, and cared for, devoted too, and doted on. I want to be an equal. A partner. A mate. I want to be small, a baby, I want direction, and shelter. I want to feel safe, and stop hating myself. I want to feel confident and sure. I want to cry and cry until I can't cry anymore. I want to stop breathing. Shut up brain. Shut up anxiety, shut up abandonment issue, shut up shut up shut up!! I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I can't make someone happy. Especially someone i care about. I can't give them all they need. I'm afraid to admit what my heart wants. I'm stuck in my head, heedless of reality, stuck in this hamster wheel of endless repetition. Why can't I see what I want and what I need and meet those myself before taking on all the responsibility for someone else. I do it automatically. Like it's preprogrammed. I want to run away. But I want to stay. I'm tired of feeling like I have to beg and plead. Maybe I'm too much. Expecting too much,  but is it really too much when it's what I offer? My tank is empty. I'm beaten, today I am truly emotionally wrecked and done. I just want the drugs to take me away and male me numb.

Hurt on purpose.

It's dark. Frogs, crickets, cicadas, all sing their song. The air smells like burning wood and cool summer. Spicy almost. Her ears twitched. She lay in her den listening to the night song. Her muzzle rest on her paws. She wondered how many stars were in the sky. Off in the distance she heard a howl. It was high pitched. She rose and trotted out into the open air. She heard another howl, equally as high pitched. She snorted air and caught the scent of coyote. For a moment she curled her lip. It was soundly unfair that even they had a pack when she did not.  Anger dashed up her throat and a growl rose from her maw. She heard several more howls and yips and then the sadness engulfed her. Memories wash over her. Images of running, hunting, playing. Surrounded by so many. Waves of emotion wracked her body. The tremors started. She lay down whining. New flashes, lions, falcons, ravens. Anger, love, sadness, loss, love, anger, sadness loss. The reel in her mind burst into cheetah like speed and just like that she ran. Past the trees, over the bushes, faster and faster, her legs trying to match the speed of the images in her mind. Her chest hurt, her lungs burned, she ran and ran. It seemed like days, but was merely hours before her mind shut off and instinct took over. Blindly she came to a trott, her chest heaving and legs shaking. She blinked several times, her eyes trying to focus and her brain attempting to process where she was and what she was doing. She slowed her pace gradually cooling her own muscles as a horse would. Her nose led her to trickling water. She drank, still blankly aware of what just happened. Her heart was still wild in her chest. She felt weak, small, vulnerable. The fire in her dwindled, her body grew chilled. She knew she should find her way back, but there was still too much emotion. The loss and hurt still too raw. A cold numb raw. She felt heavy and each step was a forced effort. She wandered until she found a dry bed of leaves and curled into them. It took a while but the warmth returned to her limbs. She felt the soreness of her muscles from such a vigorous sustained run. She curled in on herself as much as she could.  Taking small comfort from the smell of leaves, and the little warm pocket that they were creating together. Even dead things had a purpose. Maybe she will one day too.