Fire and Rain

She lie in the dark room. The curtains were drawn back and the windows thrown wide open to the storm. It was hot, a sweaty humid heat that only made you irritable. Outside the lightning illuminated the steamy ground. She stay just far enough from the window so as not to tempt fate but with each and every clap of thunder, her heart beat sounded louder in her ears. Her eyes flashed that brilliant gold each time the sky and ground were connected with the electricity of the storm. The hair on her body stood on end, the sticky sweat that coated her body seemed charged by the air. Her gown pressed closely against her body, clinging to her as she wrapped her arms tightly around herself. Her eyes were brimming with tears but her fist's were clenched tightly. Her nails dug into her skin keeping her grounded in the here and now. Her head throbbed fighting the emotions of the past. The heat waves from the window caressed her skin like his hot breath, she could hear his voice in her ears, here the vibrating growl from his chest in each boom of thunder. She ached, heart body and soul. The want of him was so great she could hardly stand. Her mind seemed to be playing tricks on her as she thought she glimpsed his massive body in the clouds. She imagined his hulking mass, his glistening red scales. How he had danced in the storm, controlling it, consumed by it. Now she was caught up, she herself consumed in his memory. The way that when they touched, the spark between them was so great it eclipsed the world and brought new galaxy's into being. How when they came together in the ultimate act of love and lust the universe reeled from their mating. She glanced back at the now empty bed, the pain in her heart was so great she cried out loud, screaming his name. Her hair clung to her face, then finally as if the storm had teased her enough and finally taken pity on her, the rain came. Sheets of fat water droplets propelling into the over heated ground. The steam that arose fogged her vision momentarily before clearing so she could see the rain pour down. It was torrential, a monsoon even. With a cut off cry she dashed out of the room, down the stairs and out into the storm. Instantly the cool water on her clammy skin was calming, the fire in her soul that only he could conjure abated and she allowed herself to be drenched, her bare feet soaking up the cool wetness of the ground as the water puddled in places.  Her hair plastered to her head and face she lifted her eyes to the sky and watched the lighting and rain mingle in her vision. Rain cleanses. Perhaps it could cleans her of her addiction of him. She laughed quietly at the thought. She sat in the grass and lay back. The rain had lessened slightly. Her heart beat felt like it was slowing, calming. She breathed in the night air of summer, grounded herself to the mother earth and silently thanks father sky for the rain she needed to put out the fire in her soul.....

so much more

I miss you. I am tired of missing you. I talk to you on the weekends, but it's not the same. I am tired of hiding, of justifying. I am tired of repeating things that I think people want to hear. I can't think my way through my thoughts. I have so many people telling me things, things they think are helping me but in actuality it sort of hurts to be told that the person you chose as a partner altered how you dealt with people in your life. and those people didn't like the person you became. aren't i the same person, shouldn't you love me no matter how i am? I thought I had things all figured out. You grow up get married have some babies, stay loyal and monogamous to your one true love, your soul mate. you grow old together after a life filled with joy and laughter and love and sticking together through thick and thin.  Life isn't clear cut like that, it's not a fairy tale, you can't plan it, you can only react to it.  I thought as long as we loved each other and held onto that, it would be enough. It wasn't, it isn't. Most of the time I have no idea what I am doing, where I am going, I am just drifting, trying to stay afloat. Trying to do anything to make the pain stop, the scrutiny, the horribly negative feelings that I feel almost constantly. I find myself craving, starved for intimacy. His touch was fire to my skin, but so soothing, so calming. I still don't see a third of what everyone else seems to see about him, I love him so much and only want to see and believe in the good, but i know now i need to be open, understanding and accepting about the bad. but there has to be a limit right? people can't just be assholes to other people just because they feel like it right?  I dont know what is right or wrong half the time anymore, or if there is even a point to caring. I find myself wondering do I really believe in God/dess because i truly believe or because i am afraid not to believe in something, do i really believe in reincarnation and karma or are we all just blips and there isnt an answer to the why or how. am i thinking this on my own or is it because he brought it up and believes that way. i feel like a liquid. i dont have my own shape, i merely take on whatever container i am in. i feel like that a lot. like i dont have a true self, i simply take on characteristics of whoever my people/friends are around me. i dont feel like a real person most of the time, just a sound board, ill bounce your thoughts and idea's back to you and pretend they are my own. I'll say or do whatever i can just so you willl like me...i keep putting on this happy face and making my lists but inside im still dying, smoldering, sometimes the depression is so all consuming i think about cutting myself or vomiting or anything for attention to make someone see hey this isn't right, but i never do because i fear they wont take me seriously. when i ask for help it's just, it's been two years you need to pull yourself together. but its so much more than that. I miss my soul mate, my best friend i miss having someone to lay with at night, to kiss and hug and touch to laugh and love with to enjoy anothers company without having to try. but its also feeling safe, and sound and wanted. just for being me. its missing my confidence, and my autonomy my independance, its missing the surety of my path that i had chosen., its so much more....