Failed You

I always told you I would stand by you, I would walk through fire and hell for you and come out on the other side holding your hand. but I didn't, I got scared, lost myself, caused you to spiral out too. We crash landed burned and bloodied. There were things I should have done, things I should have said. I should have believed in you more, trusted you more. I know that now, but now is too late. Instead of having you, my best friend, my mate the love of my spirits existence I have this stupid house, room mates who can't pay their rent, friends who fight with each other all the time and me. I am sorry. I should have stood by you and upheld what you wanted even if I thought you were being an asshole, I should have made the boys do the things they as adults should be doing. I should have trusted you. Somewhere I let go. I got lost in the darkness and I took you down with me. I know you will never read this, never understand b/c I doubt I will ever understand everything myself, but I am deeply sorry. I wish I could take it back, but all I can do is promise in our next life, things will be different, better. We seem to be taking an awful lot of lives to learn how to love completely. I have to believe that, I have to believe that when this life is over and this body is nothing but dust, I will see you again and once more our souls will touch and all will be forgiven and forgotten, b/c in spirit form we can feel and see all truth. If I was a stronger person I would have killed us both so we could reboot so to speak. As it is I feel stuck here, unable to move forward or back. Just existing for the people around me who love me. I love them dearly and wouldn't cause anyone any more pain than I already have. but I know now why you always called me a cub. That is what I am, stumbling along alone, I always looked to you for everything, I didn't know how to stand for myself by myself and for you. I still don't, but even a dragon can get weary from covering for both of us. I guess this is the part you always got frustrated with, I know it frustrates me when other people are like this with themselves, but I never cared what happened to me, as long as you were safe and happy that is all that mattered, and that is pretty much how I still feel. I am content to work, grow older, be alone if I must and wait to die. This life is painful, I have never had a life where I remembered so much from my other lives, I think its the amount of pain this was has me in that is causing me to do this. I keep seeing the tower falling, dying in your arms and seeing you rage about the world. I don't know what I was thinking but you were always my wild strong dangerous willful dragon and I was your lady. I forgot that you needed protection too, you needed shelter and reassurance too. You needed me to trust you and be there for you and I wasn't. I am so sorry my love, I can only promise that next time, will be different. I love you so very much and I hope that you can still feel that even though we are as far apart as we have ever been in any of our lives. I love you.