I hate feeling trapped. I feel like I have no one to talk too. Everytime I go to reach out my brain over rides. I don't need to bother ppl with my crap. I want too. I can make the decision but I decided to write here. the enough record is trying to start up.
Let me start at the beginning.
I didn't get up until almost 1pm today. I needed the sleep. I know I did. I wake up and Angel hasn't been out. At first I'm annoyed because Chad is awake. He said she never asked and while Angel always waits for me to wake up to ask to go out I still wish he would have taken her as it seems to me common sense she would need to go our after 14+ hrs of not going out. I'm quickly over it, take her out and then mom starts in. She asks for breakfast, I'm fine with that. I make her and me and Chad some. Then she comes our and complains it stinks from the weed and it's many complaints until finally she comes out of her room. Jason comes down, Chad asked mom what I was making for dinner and she said snarkily she's having soup and I'm like if anyone bothered to ask I'm making soup and grilled cheese. So I do that we have dinner it's good. Then Chad "wants to have fun" and begins to aggravate me. Stepping on my foot, poking me, just generally but harmlessly annoying. I ask him to stop several times. Mom starts bitching I start bitching. I guess he felt attacked because we come outside and starts saying how he's always walking on eggshells so he doesn't upset me or mom. He's a slave. Well I guess that just ticked something in me because I feel like I do everything. I get mad and start yelling, get defensive and go to my room. I end up coming back out because I wanted to smoke. We're sitting here not talking and as I write this, I can see several things.
I do a lot of things. But he helps too. He takes the trash, does the floors, cat boxes. He is doing more and more lately if I ask and he may indeed have felt like we were attacking him. I was just really annoyed and really didn't want him to do those things. Next time I need to tell him please do not do that, set a boundary and then if he continues to just move. Not get mad just move.
Mom is dealing with a lot. I know and it's hard to separate her shit. Fuck. I feel like I'm in the wrong now and need to apologize. I'm uncertain and shrinking. I just want to be loved. I know everyone has bad days and today I guess is just a bad day. Not all but generally. I want to find a way to talk to him/them but communicating is really hard for me. I should also note I didn't take my meds like i should so that I'm sure contributed to some but not all. Sigh
