Sometimes, nothing at all makes sense. Nothing. I try and I try, i keep getting it wrong. Maybe it's my personality that's fucked up so I can't have healthy relationships. Maybe it's because my asshole ex husband took so fucking much from me, and I can't seem to recover. My anger just keeps jumping out. I get mad and irrational, then I just cry and cry and cry and depression is always there to catch me. Hold me in its solid eternal embrace. Maybe that's all I have to look forward too. An eternal black inky void inside, a shell of a robot on the outside. I'm tired, I'm emotional, I can't think straight . I can't breathe. I'm shaking, my hearts racing. My head is numb. Numb because that's all I can process right now. Sometimes it's easier not to matter. It's easier to just say who cares and do what everyone else wants and thinks I should do, Expects of me. I get so tired of fighting. To make new brain patterns. To make new healthy relationships. It's like war. Trying to be honest, and vulnerable and open. Everyone reacts differently to it. Some with anger, others with relief. But I get tired of dealing with their reactions, with their emotions. With their unspoken expectations.
