Some people say your high self, is your true self. Stripped away from all that human turmoil and just you.
If this is true. I'm not truly suicidal amymore. Maybe. Lol. Because chad's driving and I'm thinking about nothing but safety. Like it's hard wired or something. I just found this interesting. It happens when I'm alone driving also.
Fall hurts. It reminds me of all the things I used to have. The things I used to love, enjoy and do. The people I used to be with, the way we thought we had the world. I can't even share my feelings with those I love out of fear of making them sad too. I'm so sad that the trees, vegetation and animals are gonna go dormant or migrate. The sun gives way to the night. It's like something dies in me when the night's are longer. When the air cools. Sadness wells in me, memories, it's like a creeping tide at first then a rush of water. I love the leaves, the colors and they way the wind plays with them. Wolf feels strong in the fall, maybe because she knows I get weak. I'm trying to make my mind remember the good things I like and give me pleasure about fall. What I love and even if I can't do all I want to do during this time, i can participate as much as I'm able. Dad comes too soon and that's something I'm really looking forward to.
Sometimes I just know he would be better off without me. Someone who can budget, who can make money and ale him to do things. Who can do sexy stuff, without the compromises of all the fat I have. Who doesn't have my lack of endurance. Idk. He always seems happier when he is talking to other people. Like we've run out of things to talk about. I feel like. It's stale. I'm stale.
