two halves don't make a whole.

The anxiety tonight is real. I am not sure when it started, but it is here now. I feel cluttered. I am afraid I might be a hoarder.... or at least live in a hoarder like home. The house is filthy and it's really getting to me. All I can hear is Chris voice in my head about how this isn't right and that is wrong and I cling to that voice. I want to bad to talk to him and tell him about my trip to Seattle. How much fun I had, how he would have loved it. But I can't.... if I talk to him I will want to call him and I don't want to seem so.... desperate. Even though I am, desperate for his voice, his smile his laugh and touch. I am afraid to talk much to him b/c it would give him the opportunity to hurt me.. and while a part of me still believes he would never do that on purpose.... the other part of me feels like since he left that is what he was doing. on purpose.  Also my family would be so angry with me. I don't know what kind of life I want, but this isn't it. Laying in bed all day watching netflix when I know I should be cleaning, but i just don't feel like it. It's too much, it wont get done all at once, it just piles up. I hate the filth but I also hate cleaning what isn't my mess and dirt. I wish he was hear to lay my head on his chest and hear his heart beat. he would put his arm around me and gently rub my back until i fell asleep. the anxiety would feather away, peace would come over me. I would be safe and secure. I can't remember a time since he left that I have felt that safety. That peace. I have no peace, no quiet only the raging storm that everyone thinks has quieted. I've just gotten better at hiding it. Holding back the tsunami takes up so much energy and people wonder why i have no patience, why I get frustrated so easily.  I wish I could feel clean, safe, at peace... I doubt that I ever will again.  I hope he misses me, In a jealous angry way I hope he feels the pain I feel and realizes what wrong he has done. I love you Christopher but I hope you feel the pain that I feel of your mate being gone. guiltily i hope you get karma but at the same time, i just want your peace and happiness..... without you i am two wolves eternally at war within myself. i am a raging inferno and unstoppable tsunami. I am utter darkness and blinding burning light. its a wonder i can reside within my own skin.