I should have danced...

There is a space in my chest, where my heart used to be where you used to be. I get so tired of pretending, of trying. All I want is for you to hold me and hug me and say your sorry and I will too, but its a fading dream, a memory. When I allow myself to feel the space that was you, its raw, throbbing, sore like the sliver of skin when it peels back from your cuticle and you can't quite get it off so its there aggravating itself worse and worse.  It's the space in the core of my body right where the mark used to be. if it ever was. I am so angry with you for leaving, so angry at life and myself and my family. I am just tired of being me. Impulsively I want nothing more than to show up at your door, and beg you to drive away with me. Whenever we ran out of gas is where we would stop and start over, but I know that is just a ridiculous solution to an unsolvable problem. The reality is you're gone and as far as I know you aren't coming back and I could beat you up for that!! I just want to cry and scream but I can't, I can't anymore. Work and home life, the only difference is your not here to share it with, to laugh with and love with and just be with. I miss that more than anything the simple act of being together. God damned it Christopher. Should you ever, ever see this, I HATE YOU. i hate that you left me, and hurt me. I hate that we made all these promises and vows and then we did exactly what we said we would never do. I still wear the rings you gave me because I am too afraid to take them off. All of our portraits are still on the walls, the house is the same as when you left. I can't bring myself to change it. I am so sorry, so sorry that I was so difficult, that I was never happy and content like you were. I always wanted more, I am so sorry for that. I just wish I could I don't' know. I love you Christopher, I always have and I always always will. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew I was yours. And now, I don't know what to do. I fill my days with endless list's and check them off one at a time but I am so empty. So very empty.  I still sleep on your side of the bed trying to surround myself with whatever of your essence would be left. I know I sound hopeless and pathetic, I wish I had kept something of your clothes. I keep trying to fill my life, but all I have done is make it worse. I just miss you, i am so tired of missing you, but I do all the same. I am so sorry that when you pulled me into dance when the house was being built that I pulled away. I am so so so sorry. I should have danced with you and to hell with the builders watching.  I should have trusted you, when I couldn't trust me, I should have trusted you. I am sorry. I love you.......