The hard truth

Well it's happened, I can't ignore the mortgage anymore... I have been making excuses about it, saying oh well I have to pay this or that. I justify it by saying I was trying to catch up the other bills. I really was just... I don't know. Ignoring it. I don't really know why... but I got for closure papers in the mail. I have thirty days to pay up and I for see lot's of things getting turned off... I would just sit here and say I don't know what to do but I do... I need to stop bullshitting and pay the bill... Even though I should only be responsible for half of it. Even though he left me...but in the end, I am the one living here, I am the one who chose to stay... So I am the one responsible. My mom is working her ass off, and I sit here making excuses. I had to do this, I had to do that. I am tired of being stuck in limbo. I need to do what I need to do I guess. This is such bull shit. I can't really get upset about it though, It was my mess. I have to clean it up. I have to pay the mortgage, prioritize the bills and just do it. If I want this home, If I want a place to live, and be safe. I have to figure out what I really want in life, since I can't let go and be done with it. What to I want to do with it. Do I sit here and live in obscurity or is there something more... Something without him out there... I don't know. I don't know if I want to know. Anything more into the future than tomorrow, is frightening to think about. I have no meaning or direction in my life, nor any idea on how to find such a thing. I guess the first thing to start with is on Tuesday pay the mortgage, even if it drains the whole account. Someone else will have to buy food and that sort of thing, I can't keep caring for everyone. I have to care for myself, my mom, my dogs and my house. I am not really prepared, I don't think I even know how to be prepared for anything anymore. First things first, one step at a time. Pay the mortgage. then once that it caught up and done, work on one thing at a time. and make a list of priorities. No more juggling the money and bills, no more do this now and do this later. Actions speak louder than words, I guess I need to prove to myself that I can do it, and then just let everyone else see it as I go along. I hate being in this position but if this is what God has for me, then I guess I have to find a way to deal...