I'm
back sliding, I can feel it. Between the inner withering loneliness,
and the insurmountable self loathing. Like I am stuck in a hamster wheel
and no matter how fast I go, it doesn't move. Life as I know it is
still, stagnant. I am a desolate island and the river of life parts
around me, moving swiftly, fervently, reaching up to touch me and then
coursing away. Reality has me motionless, like prey
who has locked eyes with its predator. I understand what has happened, I
"Think" I have accepted it, and yet fear and the lack of desire,
passion and pure emotion stop me from being able to fit in again. To
touch the world for real instead of simply being in it. It hurts too
much to feel, so my mind has blocked off that part of me that processes
it. This longing, to touch something that was once so bright and full of
life. So loving and caring and devoted, but fearing the sting of
acidity, of rejection once again. I am doomed. I have lost the will to
fight. I simply want peace. The raging storm around me is full of
negativity, of laziness, of secrets, lies, and two faced people. I know
love, I know of love, and yet it is hidden. She is gone, hopped the
crazy train to know where, and she ain't never coming back.
